This Joke is a League
by PickleInACup
Summary: Doktor Frogg and Red Menace go on a road trip/ drinking spree without inviting Voltar. Will Voltar finally manage to hatch an evil scheme while trying to exact revenge on his co villains?
1. Chapter 1

This Joke is a League

Chapter One: One Sip Wonder

**a/n & disclaimer**: This is my first attempt at a League of Super Evil fanfic. I first watched the show stoned out of my mind a few weeks back and I've been hooked ever since XD. There will be adult language and situations (like drinking…oh how there will be drinking and all the naughty things that go hand in hand with drinking yay!), but I vow to keep everyone in character as much as possible. I do not own L.O.S.E. This fic is dedicated to my younger sister, champion chugger of Heineken and all beverages alcoholic and my best friend, TheHolyHandGrenadeofAntioch, the biggest light weight I know XD. I love you both ~hug~

It was a bright sunny August morning in Metroville. Actually, it was 12:27 in the afternoon. Voltar had smashed his alarm clock against the wall hours ago and had yet to crawl out of bed, but his stomach began to growl. He finally threw off his covers and headed downstairs for the kitchen in search of breakfast.

Voltar exhaled a deep yawn as he slumped into the living room, still just in his mask and lucky red briefs. He scratched the sickly pale skin on his backside, eyelids still weighed down with drowsiness.

"Oh boy oh boy oh boy! I can't wait!" He heard his henchman cheering to himself. "Morning, Voltar!" Red Menace waved as he passed his "evil" leader.

Again Voltar yawned. "Morning Red." He hopped onto the couch and started to flip channels on the television. He often forgets the L.O.S.E. lair only receives one channel when he first wakes up. "Is the coffee on?"

"Oh, it's cold by now. I'll brew you another pot before I leave. Just give me five minutes." The large henchman offered.

Voltar scowled, dissatisfied. "FIVE minutes?" He quoted, sneering. "What are you doing that's SO important you can't fetch your beloved evil leader a hot cup of morning coffee?"

Red Menace shifted uncomfortably. "Gee, Voltar. I'm sorry. It's just, Dr. Frogg wanted me packed and waiting in the V-Mobile by now and-"

"Wait…" Confused, Voltar scratched behind his left antenna. "Packed? Where are you two going?"

Red Menace giggled with delight as he held up a brochure in Voltar's face. "We're taking a trip to Metroville's October Fest! It's gonna be great! There'll be food and rides and music and beer-" Red Menace covered his mouth. Dr. Frogg ordered him not to mention the "b" word to Voltar.

"Beer?" Voltar's antennae perked. "Count me in!"

"No no no no no!" Dr. Frogg shouted from the other room. He raced into the living room, hitting his shin on the corner of the coffee table. He jumped around, holding his bruised shin for a second or two, but quickly ignored the pain. "This trip is for Red and I ONLY!" The mad scientist informed his leader sternly.

"What?" Voltar gasped. "I'm the leader! You two aren't allowed to scratch your asses without my consent!"

"Wrong!" Dr. Frogg waved a claw in his face. "When Red and I joined L.O.S.E. you agreed each of us are entitled to ONE hiatus from the league a year! We're going to take a vacation and we're going to take it _without_ you."

Voltar folded his arms across his chest. "Correct me if I'm wrong, which I'm not, Frogg, but I specifically remember stating that evil deeds must be carried out over the course of your hiatus. And you two can't pull evil deeds off without me!" Voltar jumped, raising an excited, triumphant fist in the air. "I call shot gun!"

"Not a chance!" Dr. Frogg continued to protest. "You don't belong at October fest! It celebrates German heritage and you're not even human. Besides, Germany is the most evil country on earth." he bragged.

"HA! Nice try, but _germs _come from Germany. You're no germ and Red is Siberian!"

Dr. Frogg slapped his forehead, a bit too hard. It took him a brief moment to recover. "For the last fucking time, Voltar! Germs DON'T come from Germany! German people come from Germany!"

"And Siberia is close enough." Red stated meekly in his defense.

Voltar rolled his eyes. "You really expect me to believe YOU come from Germany?"

Dr. Frogg growled, frustrated. "I was BORN in Munich, you asshole! Look, we don't have time for this. I want to make it to the tapping of the first keg. Red, grab your suitcase and the keys. We're out of here." With that, the mad scientist walked off.

Voltar cracked his knuckles and was about to pounce on his insolent underling from behind, but Red Menace caught him in mid air and set him back on the couch.

"Look, it's not that we don't want you to come, it's just…" Red rubbed the back of his neck nervously, struggling to word his next few sentences just right. "There's **a lot** of drinking during October Fest and you, well…you just don't hold your liquor very well, Voltar."

"What? I resent that!"

"It's true." Dr. Frogg agreed, nodding. "You're a one sip wonder- a complete light weight. Remember Karaoke night at Villaynes last Saturday?"

_**Last Saturday; Villaynes- the bar**_

Dr. Frogg sat doubled over on his barstool, slamming his head against the countertop. Next to his aching head was a half empty glass of red wine and an vacant stool where Voltar was sitting moments earlier. Across the bar, Voltar staggered on stage "singing" his little mutant heart out into the microphone. His voice blasted out the sound system, shattering his fellow restaurant goers' ear drums, including Dr. Frogg's. Red clapped and cheered his drunken leader on, if for no other reason, than to be polite.

_"SHOT THROUGH THE HEART AND YOU'RE TO BLAME! YOU GIVE **HATE **A BAD NA-" _Voltar stopped abruptly, clutching his stomach. He dropped his pants and then fell to his knees, vomited all over the stage, and passed out cold.

Voltar dismissed his flashback with a rude wave. "Okay, so that ONE time-"

"Then there was time you played beer pong with Steve at his barbeque." Red Menace added.

_**Neighbor Steve's backyard; Last 4**__**th**__** of July**_

Steve tossed a ping-pong ball to Voltar's side of the table. Once again, Steve landed the ball right in one of Voltar's tiny Styrofoam cups. Growling, defeated, Voltar downed the cup of beer in one gulp. He wiped the "mouth" of his mask and began to sway on his stool.

"You really wanna know why I HATE humanity so much, STEEEVE?" Voltar shouted out of nowhere, slurring his words badly. "THIS is why!" he cried as he yanked off his mask.

Steve, Red Menace, Dr. Frogg and all the other guests gasped in horror of Voltar's pale, deformed face. Red Menace fainted. Voltar barely noticed. Again, he dropped his pants, vomited then passed out cold on the lawn.

"I don't remember that!" Voltar cried.

Red Menace raised a brow, surprised. "Really? Steve recorded the whole thing and posted it on you tube. I still have the link saved on Frogg's computer."

Voltar trembled with anger. "Steve…" He hissed the name of his most hated neighbor. He coughed, deciding it best to plot revenge on Steve later. "Be that as it may-"

"Then there was Doom Driver's Chaosmas party-" Dr. Frogg mentioned, cringing at as the painful memory replayed in his mind.

_**Doom Driver's house; Chaosmas eve**_

Voltar, Dr. Frogg and Red Menace shared a seat on the couch in Doom Driver's living room, watching the rue log burn on the fire while the other villains danced and mingled amongst themselves, avoiding them altogether. Refusing to let the other guests get to him, Red Menace popped open a bottle of peppermint schnapps and offered it to his league members. Voltar took the first sip then handed the bottle back to Red Menace. Red was about to take a sip when he spotted Doom Driver and his wife embracing each other at the far end of the room.

"Aw, look at that! They're under the Misery Toe."

Voltar watched as the undead villain and his wife shared a kiss beneath the wilted decorative leaf. Suddenly the schnapps kicked in. Voltar burst into tears and cried "NO BODY LOVES ME!" And of course, he dropped his pants, vomited all over the place and passed out.

"Every time you even SNIFF alcohol, you strip naked, puke and black out!" Dr. Frogg cried. "It's so embarrassing. I'm not dragging your sorry carcass back to the lair again! You're staying here to look after Doomageddon. He has diarrhea." Dr. Frogg pointed to the window.

Voltar's eyes followed. He spotted the reptilian mutt squatting on their barren front lawn, leaving piles of glowing biohazardous turds. Voltar cringed, frightened. Dr. Frogg chuckled at his expense. "See you in seventeen days!." He waved him goodbye as he waltzed towards the front door with suitcases in claw.

"Wait!" Voltar chased after him. "I've been building a tolerance to the sauce all year! I swear!"

Dr. Frogg slammed the door in his face. Grunting, Voltar fell to the floor on his back with a heavy thud.

Red Menace pulled Voltar to his feet. "We'll be back soon. We'll bring you back a t-shirt or a beerstein or something." He hoisted the fully packed cooler onto his shoulders. "Hatch some evil schemes on your own while we're away. That'll be fun, won't it? Tell me all about it when we get home!"

"Red, alcohol kills brain cells! Being our designated mad scientist, Dr. Frogg's brain is crucial to our group dynamics and you…well, you just can't afford to lose any more brain cells. For the sake of the league I FORBID you two to go to October fest!"

Red Menace let laughed. "Oh that's just an old wives' tale, silly. Alcohol doesn't really kill brain cells, it just dulls them temporarily. Besides, Doc Frogg and I are responsible." He raised his hand in a vow. "I promise not to go overboard or to let Frogg go overboard. You can count on me! Later, Voltar! Take it easy."

Voltar raised his hand in protest, but it was too late. Red Menace closed the door behind him. He could hear the motor of the V-mobile as Dr. Frogg pulled out of the garage and drove off down the street.

At first Voltar slouched over, sad, but the emotion quickly shifted to anger. He kicked the door hard and stomped off. "Those bastards!" The little mutant snarled, clenching his fist. "They can't just walk out on me like that! I'm the leader! I'm the evil master mind! I'll show them! I'll get my revenge if it's the last thing I do!"

Voltar paused. "But how…?" His mask contorted in deep thought. Voltar sighed. Nothing came to him. "I'll just need to find some _inspiration_." He giggled mischievously. "Won't find inspiration on an empty stomach!"

He turned for the kitchen. "I guess it's just you and me for a few weeks, Doomageddon." Voltar looked about and realized he had just spoke to himself. "Doomageddon! Here boy!" he shouted and added a whistle for good measure. The hellhound failed to materialize in front of him. Voltar shrugged. "Where did that scaly cur get to? Ah, no matter." He thought aloud as he searched through the fridge. "Must still be taking care of business…"

A/n: Where DID Doomageddon go? Will Red and Frogg have a blast at October Fest or will Voltar exact merciless revenge on them? GASP! Please read and review and the answers will come soon enough.

Mostly dialog here. Not too much description. Sorry about that. I'm lazy XD But if your reading this, I assume you've seen the show and know what the settings look like. Okay, to be clear, I read on Wikipedia that Dr. Frogg is most likely part German (and that Red Menace was a Siberian farm boy before joining L.O.S.E. hu…). Whether that is accepted as a cannon fact or not, I don't know, but for the sake of comedy, Frogg is German in this fic. Just bare with me on the jokes people. I come from a LONG line of kraut bastards, so don't get offended. Oh, and this isn't an anti Voltar fic. I'm sick of reading those. I love the little monster! He's so damn cute (an idiot and an asshole, but still very cute ^^). Again, I'm not sure whether it is accepted in cannon that Voltar is human or some kind of mutant or alien or something, but for the sake of comedy, he is a mutant in this fic, and his system has A LOT of trouble with alcohol. Let the madness ensue!


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2: Road Trip!!

Voltar pried open the door to Dr. Frogg's lab with a crowbar. "Henchbots 17 and 32!" He beckoned his mechanized minions. "Stand to attention! You have EVIL to assist me with!" he looked around. They were no where in sight.

Cursing under his breath, Voltar began to strip search the lab for his Henchbots. He even checked Dr. Frogg's utility closet and junk drawer, leaving the area a huge wreck. Feeling extremely annoyed after ten minutes of searching with no results, he tossed a wrench at one of the shelves, knocking over and triggering several blaster rays. Voltar ducked behind the work table, barely avoiding being disintegrated. He exhaled an infuriated growl. "They took the Henchbots too?"

Meanwhile, several miles down the highway, Dr. Frogg and Red Menace were making good time in the V-Mobile. Dr. Frogg put his advanced technical know-how to good use the night before and gave the L.O.S.E. jalopy a much needed tune up for the trip. Although the vehicle was still an eyesore, the motor ran like that of a brand new mustang. To reward himself for his efforts the mad scientist drove first, fifteen miles above the speed limit of course. He felt so alive behind the wheel, feet gracing the gas pedal and wind whipping through his messy blue hair. And best of all, there was no irritating backseat driving from Voltar!

The Henchbots sat in the back, playing polka on their boom box. Normally Dr. Frogg would have programmed them to play Rock Gothlington's "Pick Your Poison (Or I'll Pick it For You!)" live tour album, but in honor of October Fest, he allowed the polka. He and Red Menace were already half way through their first can of beer. Red Menace drank from a "Thirst Aid" helmet to keep his hands free.

"_WE ARE SUPER EVIL MEN!_

_WE RAISE HELL 'TILL FIVE A.M.!_

_ALTHOUGH WE'RE BOUND BY VILLAIN LAW,_

_WHAT GOES ON TOUR STAYS ON TOUR!" _They sang zealously in unison.

Red menace laughed as he leaned back in his seat. He sucked on his "Thirst Aid" helmet straw, savoring the smooth flavor of the beer. "You think we were too hard on Voltar?" He asked timidly. "I mean, it's for his own good that he stayed behind, but I think it really hurt that we didn't invite him for the ride."

Dr. Frogg snorted. "He'll get over it." He assured his soft hearted comrade.

"I'm a little nervous." he admitted. "You think Voltar and Doomie will be all right by themselves?"

Dr. Frogg shrugged. "No."

"Maybe we should go back for them."

"NO!" Dr. Frogg cried in protest.

"Then…maybe I should call the lair; see if they're doing okay."

"No!"

Red Menace frowned, distraught. "Then what _should _I do?"

"Keep drinking." Dr. Frogg instructed, flicking the brim of his beer holder helmet. "Voltar will be fine. Like I said, he'll get over it. And even if he doesn't, oh fucking well! I need a few days away from the lair- and away from that little pest and that rabid mutt." he added with a low growl.

Red Menace shrugged. "It never hurts to travel. Still, Voltar is part of the team. I could have looked out for him had he gone with us; made sure he stayed sober."

"To hell with the team!" Dr. Frogg slammed his steel clawed fist against the dash board. "Voltar is NOT ruining October Fest for me! It's the only holiday I truly give a shit about. I looked forward to it every year when I was a child. Though I suspect the Metroville October Fest will pale in comparison to the festivals we throw in Munich."

"I don't know. The brochure said it's really authentic."

Dr. Frogg cracked a smug smirk. "I'll be the judge of that. Hand me another, would you, Red?" He asked, extending a claw.

"Maybe we should wait until we get to the festival grounds before we really start drinking. I promised Voltar we would be responsible."

"You don't have to promise that puny lush anything! Beer me!"

Red Menace climbed over his seat, reached into Henchbots 17's mouth and pulled out a cold beer. Dr. Frogg also converted the Henchbots into walking coolers the night before, so they could sneak their own supply of alcohol into the festival. Red Menace didn't like the idea of smuggling in drinks. That seemed too much like stealing, but Dr. Frogg insisted it would be cheaper to get wasted that way.

Red Menace handed his mad scientist pal the beer. Dr. Frogg popped open the tab with ease, as if his claws were designed to do just that task, and started chugging. Once he gulped down the very last sip, he tossed the empty can over his shoulder. He glanced to his side and noticed Red Menace squirming in his seat. "Relax. I'm taking the back roads. No one will pull us over. Besides, I _can _hold my liquor. Trust me."

"If you say so." Red Menace replied with a smirk before taking another long sip from his "Thirst Aid" helmet. He sat back, resting his feet on the dash board. "But let me know if you start to get tipsy so I can take over the wheel."

Dr. Frogg couldn't help but laugh. "Okay Red, I'll be sure to do that."

"_WE ARE SUPER EVIL MEN!_

_WE RAISE HELL 'TILL FIVE A.M.! _

_ALTHOUGH WE'RE BOUND BY VILLAIN LAW,_

_WHAT GOES ON TOUR STAYS ON TOUR!"_ They chanted once again. It was going to be a good trip…

Meanwhile, at the L.O.S.E lair…

"GENIUS!" Voltar declared as he hopped down from the stack of chairs set up in front of the bathroom door (the downstairs bathroom, not his private one of course). "Screw those guys! I don't need Frogg, Red OR the Henchbots to spread evil!" He stepped back a bit to admire his work. Placed atop the slightly cracked open door was a bucket filled with tomato juice.

Voltar snickered menacingly to himself, rubbing his gloved hands together. "The second Red or Frogg have to use the bathroom, they'll open the door and get juice spilled all over them! Oh, I'm TOO good!" He commended himself aloud.

Voltar stood, staring at the bathroom, anxiously waiting for one his minions to reach for the doorknob. But it would be a long while before Dr. Frogg or Red Menace would be home to use the toilet. Voltar crossed his arms over his chest, pouting. "Dammit, this is taking too long!"

Suddenly, Doomageddon materialized behind him. Startled by the loud _**fwoosh**_ and the intense heat from the blue pan-dimensional flames, Voltar stumbled forward, screaming. He landed head first against the bathroom door, slamming it shut. The bucket fell right on top of him, extinguishing the flames.

"GHEEEEK!" He shrieked, realizing he was smoking and drenched in tomato juice. Voltar slung the bucket at Doomageddon. The hellhound caught it in his jowls and swallowed it whole.

"Bad dog!" Voltar scolded, wiping away the juice from his face and shoulders. "Do that again and I'll have you neutered!"

Doomageddon tilted his head and smiled innocently. Voltar stomped towards him, scowling. "Don't think just because Frogg isn't here you can use ME as your personal chew bone!" He warned.

Doomageddon dismissed the little villain with a bored yawn. He teleported himself onto the couch and curled up snugly for a good nap. Voltar got right in his face, scowling. "Did I _say _you could steal my seat?"

Doomageddon glanced up at him with one eye and snorted, exhaling a huge cloud of green smoke from his nostrils. Voltar covered his mouth, choking. The air quickly cleared. Able to breathe again, he turned back to Doomageddon, raising a disapproving finger to scold him once again, but he paused. An idea came to Voltar- a good idea. NO! an EVIL idea! YES! Revenge was as good as his! "You miss that back stabbing, leader ditching son of a bitch, Dr. Frogg, don't you, boy?" He cooed, patting Doomageddon's scaly head.

The hellhound whimpered, nodding. He DID miss the mad scientist, or he missed biting, chasing, barking at and pouncing on him. No one was more fun to torment than Dr. Frogg.

"Tell ya what-" Voltar began suavely. "I hereby give you full permission to chew whichever part of Dr. Frogg's body you want If you teleport us to October Fest. Hell, you can gnaw off Frogg's claws at the front gate for all I care, just so long as you drop me off inside the festival."

Doomageddon jumped to his feet and cheerfully wagged his spiked tail. That sounded like a great deal to him. More than happy to oblige, Doomageddon pounced on Voltar and engulfed his entire head. Voltar screamed, kicking and punching in a desperate attempt to free his masked head from Doomageddon's mouth, but it was no use. The hellhound's jaws were like a bear trap.

The hellhound concentrated his demonic energy. Flames consumed Doomageddon and he disappeared from the living room with Voltar inside of him.

A/n: Woo! Quick update. I was going to wait another week to post this, but thanks to insomnia, I was able to crank this chapter out fairly quickly. This chapter is a little boring in my opinion. Sorry about that. Things will get more interesting soon, I promise! The dialog between Red Menace and Doktor Frogg was almost entirely ripped off from a Mighty Boosh episode. But I love the idea of Red and Frogg singing their own villain version on the Shaman drinking sing-along song XD


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3: The MetroBelle

Doomageddon spat Voltar out like a loogie. The little villain curled up in the fetal position, shivering and covered in hell-hound spit. "S-s-so…horrible! So…unspeakably…HORRIBLE! The worms…THE WORMS!"

Doomageddon rolled his eyes at him. Why everyone found the happy worm hell dimension so terrifying, he'd never figure out. He pulled Voltar to his feet by his canines.

Voltar cautiously looked around. He wasn't in happy worm hell anymore (that was a relief) but he wasn't at October Fest as he commanded either.

Doomageddon brought him to a small club of some sort. It was dark aside from a few strobe lights and a neon sign over the bar that read 'xxxMetroxxxBellexxx.' The air reeked of cheap liquor and cigarette smoke. Motley Cru's "Girl's Girl's Girl's" blasted over the stereo system. All around sleazy looking men were being served drinks by women in bikini tops and crotchless panties.

Voltar turned to Doomageddon, hands on his hips and mask contorted in a deep scowl. "What the hell is this? I ordered you to transport us to October Fest!"

Before Doomageddon could respond, the DJ cut the music and announced into the microphone, "Don't bother sitting down, fellas, 'cause you're about to get knocked on your ass! Show some love for our very own sweet-teat, Honey-B and her sex-hound, Nectar!"

Kinky porno music began to play. As if on cue, Doomageddon burst into flames and disappeared. Voltar looked about in search for him and spotted the hell-hound in a crowd of men surrounding a broken down stage with a steel pole imbedded in the floor. They were practically climbing onto the stage, clutching dollar bills, whistling and cat calling like jackasses.

Through the stage curtain strutted a voluptuous black woman wearing nothing but a pair of yellow pumps and a some Halloween costume insect wings. She held a leash in her perfectly manicured fingers. At the end of it was a pink poodle wearing a dog collar with bright yellow felt pedals sewn to it.

Doomageddon howled with excitement at the poodle, rapidly wagging his spiked tail. Honey-B winked, blew the audience a kiss and began to dance. She wasted no time shaking her ass and straddling the pole.

Voltar decided to pull up a chair. Doomageddon had already brought them here. Why miss a good show? He rested his chin in his palms, entranced by the seductive swaying of Honey-B's curves.

"Can I get you a drink?"

Voltar shrieked, startled. He looked up and realized a lovely brunette in an incredibly revealing black and red bikini was leaning over his chair. She flashed him a lecherous smile before placing a bottle of scotch and a shot glace in front of him. "Or maybe you'd enjoy a private dance?" She offered further.

Voltar's eye twitched nervously. "Uh…uh…"

The stripper took that as a "SURE!" and started to give Voltar a routine lap dance. "I'm Cherry." Her name poured through her painted red lips like cream. "What's you're name, cutie?"

"I'm the great Vol-mhhmhhmhh!" Voltar's reply was muffled as she pulled his face into her cleavage.

"That's a cute name." Cherry parroted. "Where are you from?"

He replied "Metroville" but that too was muffled in her sound absorbing cleavage. Finally Voltar came up for air.

"Neat costume…" Cherry remarked, straddling over Voltar's lap, dropping extra low due to his short stature. She grinded against his torso, stroking his antennae gently.

"Comes with the profession, me being a highly feared and menacing super villain and all." Voltar bragged.

"Ohh, I **love **bad boys…"

Voltar stroked her thigh with one hand and cupped her left tit with the other. "I bet you do, Cherry." He grinned bashfully beneath his helmet. He was having far too much fun.

"So, do you keep that helmet on when you-" Cheery was interrupted by an ear splitting yowl and a terrified shriek. She lost her balance on her high heels and slipped off Voltar's lap, landing face first on the floor. Voltar couldn't resist. He snapped her g-string.

On stage, Doomageddon was busy mounting Nectar like a pro stud dog. "Shoo!" Honey-B shrieked, smacking the hell-hound over his head with one of her pumps. "Get off my Nectar pie, you fucking mongrel!"

Doomageddon ignored the stripper and continued to hump her pet poodle like no tomorrow, yowling with pleasure.

The audience booed Doomageddon and ordered Honey-B to keep dancing.

Finally, a bouncer was summoned. A large muscular hairy man in a leather biker jacket and a bitch hat stomped over to Voltar's table and shoved Cherry aside. He glared down at the little mutant, arms crossed over his hulking chest. "That yer mutt?" He asked, pointing to Doomageddon.

"So what if he is?" Voltar sneered. "Hell-hounds have needs too, ya know."

The bouncer growled. "No dogs allowed!" He shouted before breaking the bottle of scotch over Voltar's head.

Less than a minute later the bouncer tossed him and Doomageddon out into the alleyway. Voltar landed face first into the dumpster. He groaned in agony as he crawled his way out, picking garbage off his shoulders and broken glass from his helmet.

"Stupid prick!" He shouted, shaking his fist at the back door of the strip club. "You'll pay for tossing out the mighty Voltar! You and all your herpes-ridden whores!" His vow of revenge was interrupted by an obnoxious slurping sound. Behind him, Doomageddon was happily licking his nether regions. Voltar swatted him over the back with a garbage can lid. "Horny curr! Look what you did! Enough messing around! I ORDER you to take me to October Fest THIS INSTANT!"

Doomageddon growled, arching his back to pounce. Voltar backed away slowly. "No no no no no no, good- GHEEEK!"

Too late. Doomageddon swallowed his head whole, summoned the pan-dimensional flames of transport and disappeared. Where would he take Voltar next? Who knew? Voltar could only hope Doomageddon would follow instructions this time.

Meanwhile, on the outskirts of the October Fest parking lot, the V-Mobile slowly inched its way through traffic. Parking director Guy had already led Dr. Frogg and Red Menace past the close paved spaces, past the grass area and past the gravel lot. They were now driving on a baron field of dirt and there were still no vacant spaces in sight.

Dr. Frogg slammed against the steering wheel, keeping his forehead pressed on the horn. "Why does the parking always have to be a huge cluster-fuck at these things?" He griped.

Red Menace shook his shoulder. "Look, Frogg! They're waving us through!"

Dr. Frogg glanced over the dashboard. Surely enough, the blond parking lot employee stood at the end of the row signaling them over with his neon orange wands.

"Finally!" Dr. Frogg cried and slammed his foot on the gas pedal. He made a sharp turn into the empty space, parking the V-Mobile completely sideways.

"Hey! You can't do that!" Parking director guy scolded him in that grating nasally voice of his.

Dr. Frogg clamped onto the pesky teen's shirt collar. "Piss off, junior!" He hissed. "Quit slacking and go direct traffic! You're slowing up progress." Dr. Frogg released the kid, shoving him backwards.

Parking director Guy landed on his ass in the dirt. He quickly jumped to his feet and scurried off to signal through the next row of cars. His job wasn't worth getting into a fight over.

Red Menace frowned. "Gee, Frogg, that was kind of…mean."

"I know!" The mad scientist giggled like a school girl. "Look at this! Two parking spaces occupied by one vehicle! How evil can you get?" Dr. Frogg slapped a claw over his mouth. "Listen to yourself, man!" he scolded himself aloud. "That's not evil! That's really annoying at best! You're beginning to sound like Voltar!" That horrifying realization made him weep in shame.

Red Menace gave him a playful slap on the back. "Cheer up, Frogg. We're here!" He climbed out of the vehicle then reached into Henchbot 32 for a cold beer and handed it to Dr. Frogg. "Here. Drink this and hurry up. We need to get in line."

"Oh yeah!" Dr. Frogg took a quick swig before hopping out of the V-Mobile. The excited smile on his face quickly faded when he looked out at the parking lot and realized how long the walk to the Festival gates would be. Even worse was the ridiculously long line to get through the gate.

Red Menace winced. "Boy. Sure is gonna be a long wait, hu?"

"Yeah…" Dr. Frogg sighed as he started walking down the hill. "Come on. Let's get down there before the line gets even longer."

Red Menace followed, herding the Henchbots along. "Voltar would come up with a plan to cut in line."

Dr. Frogg punched him in the kidneys as hard as he could.

"Ow!" Red Menace rubbed his bruised side tenderly. "What was that for…?"

A/n: More Dr. Frogg and Red Menace next chapter, I promise. The first person to accuse me of racism for using the term "black woman" is going to get a virtual kick in the nuts and/ or twat. "But why did the stripper have to be black, hu? What are you trying to say? All black women are strippers?" Because she was, and no! It's just a strip joint gag. I mean, I could have named her Honey- Bizzel or something. Laugh damn it, it's just a joke. Jeez. XD

Thank you to anyone who has reviewed or faved this fic so far. Keep them coming! Pweeeze!


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4: Smoke off/ Drink off; aka, The Magical Mystical 4:20 Adventure of Cosmic Swirling and Awe

"We're next!" Red Menace clapped his hands together, dancing in place like a little kid.

"Finally!" Dr. Frogg cried, relieved. "I was starting to lose my buzz."

Over excited, Red menace snatched Dr. Frogg by the claw and dragged him over to the ticket booth (accidentally tangling him in the turnstile, nearly popping his scrawny arm out of its socket). "Four please!" Red Menace requested to ticket Guy politely, holding up four fingers.

Ticket Guy, dressed in lederhosen, eyed Red Menace closely. "Over 21?"

"Yes sir!" He stated proudly. "My friends and I intend to party hardy." He giggled. That rhymed.

"I'll need proof of age."

"Oh, right!" Red Menace fished through his wallet for his non-driver's villain identification.

Dr. Frogg held out his own non-driver's villain ID, but Ticket Guy waved it away wave. "That's okay, mister. No need." He declined politely.

Dr. Frogg pouted, insulted as he slipped his ID back in his wallet.

Ticket Guy handed Red Menace back his ID. "Okay, you fellas check out." he handed them each a black, red and yellow pin with a little beer stein stamped onto it. "You're all set. Enjoy yourselves." He gave them a quick wink.

No sooner did they stick the pins on their shirts did the villains race off towards the entrance.

"WAIT!" Ticket Guy shouted.

They skidded to a halt. "What?" Dr. Frogg demanded irritably.

"Super Villains are required to pass through security before attending the festival." Ticket Guy informed them.

"Hey, that's profiling!" Red Menace protested. "And profiling is **wrong**."

Ticket Guy's expression hardened. "You want in or not?"

"Fine!" Dr. Frogg sighed in defeat. "Let's get this over with. We only have twenty minutes before the tapping of the first keg." He led Red Menace and the Henchbots over to the large metal detector operated by none other than Justice Gene.

"Please remove all knives, projectiles, toxic chemicals, or any other lethal items and place them in the bin." Justice Gene instructed. "And I'll have to cavity search your Henchbots too."

"Come on…" Dr. Frogg gave him a playful nudge on the shoulder. "You used to be part of team L.O.S.E., remember? You can trust us." He chuckled nervously.

Justice Gene glared at him, plucking his claw off his shoulder like a piece of garbage. He still had a small chip on his shoulder from his short period as a probationary L.O.S.E henchman and he knew Dr. Frogg and Red Menace still had a chip on theirs. "Please empty your pockets and step through the detector." he repeated irritably.

"Uh- uh-" Thinking quickly, Dr. Frogg pointed to the sky and shouted "LOOK! A UFO abducting an ill baby and his pet cow!"

"WHERE?" Justice Gene gasped and stuck out his chest heroically as he searched about for the UFO.

While his back was turned, Red Menace took the opportunity to punch Justice Gene in the temple. As the "hero" fell to the concrete unconscious, Red Menace threw the Henchbots over his shoulders and he and Dr. Frogg made a run for the festival.

"What the hell was that, Red?" Dr. Frogg shrieked, still running.

"I'm sorry! I don't know what came over me!" Red Menace looked as if he was about to cry. "I didn't want Gene following us!"

Once convinced no one was indeed following them, Dr. Frogg paused to lean against a water fountain and catch his breath. "Don't apologize. That was brilliant!" He commended Red Menace, panting. "We need to get more beer in you. To the Schottenhamel Tent!" Dr. Frogg ordered dramatically as he marched into the crowd. He stopped after a few steps.

"Um…Where _is_ the tent, Frogg?" Red Menace asked, scratching the back of his head timidly.

"I- heh I'm still used to Munich." Dr. Frogg admitted. He rubbed his metal plated chin in though. "To a directory!"

Doomageddon rematerialized in the middle of a huge crowd gathered beneath and around a large gazebo. He spat Voltar onto the ground. Instead of cowering in fear, Voltar lashed out at the hellhound, motioning to strangle him, but paused once he realized he was standing dead center in a large outdoor crowd.

"Good boy! You actually brought us to October Fest." Voltar scratched behind Doomageddon's horn. The sensation caused his leg to kick rapidly. Voltar looked around for the beer tents, but spotted none. There weren't even rides or polka music or pretty girls dressed in dirndls serving beer!

This was a festival alright, but this certainly was not the Metroville October Fest. The people gathered in the crowd were dressed in tie-dyed shirts, long flowing skirts with intricate floral patterns, woven hemp ponchos, moccasins and hats complete with colorful glass jewelry. A chorus of coughing echoed overhead and the pungent odor of pine and skunk penetrated his helmet. Groups of friends formed close circles, passing pipes and rolled wads of paper back and forth. Their eyes were as red as his helmet; squinting as their lips formed wide, blissful grins.

"ZOMBIES!" Confused and frightened, Voltar backed away. "What are you all giggling at?" he hissed at the crowd. "You dare insult the mostest evilest-OMPH!"

"OW! Watch it!" A feminine voice barked down at Voltar as he stumbled into her shin.

Voltar looked up. A tall young woman with ridiculously long blond hair glared down at him through large glasses. Her expression quickly softened. "You gotta pace yourself." She said to him through a simper. She elbowed the taller curly haired brunette girl standing beside her. "Broodie, check this guy out."

"Whoa!" Broodie exclaimed as she looked over Voltar. She and the blonde girl wore matching tie-dyed shirts with a mushroom printed on the chest. The only difference between the two shirts was the color schemes. The blonde's was purple green and blue while the brunette's shirt was orange, yellow and red. "Trippy outfit, hu Dooter?"

"It's totally fucking trippy." The blonde girl or "Dooter" agreed.

"I, the great Voltar demand that you red eyed she-ghouls tell me where I am this instant! And cower before my evil might while you're doing that!"

"Evil?" Broodie giggled. "But you're adorable!" She flicked his antennae.

"Hey!" Voltar slapped her hand away.

"D'ho, eez so cute!" Dooter squealed, poking his belly.

Voltar clenched his fists at his sides. "Don't you EVER call me cute **or **adorable!"

"But you are."

Voltar snarled at them. "I AM evil and you WILL tell me where I am or-"

"You really don't know?" Broodie raised a brow at him. "Wow, you must really be fried. This is Harvest Fest, little buddy." She explained.

"_Harvest _fest?" He glared at Doomageddon, who was taking a puff on a nicely rolled dutch that some guy with dreadlocks wearing a Grateful Dead shirt passed to him. "So I'm at some kind of…farmers convention?" Voltar asked the potheads.

"A certain kind of farmer." Dooter replied, sharing a giggle with Broodie. "They're going to start the 4:20 smoke off soon." Dooter pointed towards a large wooden platform. "They're passing up the strains now!"

"What do we have here…?"

A pair of young men carrying a large plastic container approached the platform constructed in the center of the gazebo. They handed it to an incredibly old-school hippie who stood behind a podium covered in psychedelic stickers.

"Grape Fruit!" The hippie announced after he removed a few buds from the container and sniffed them. "We have genuine outdoor grape fruit, folks!" he cheered into the microphone. The crowd applauded zealously. "In the headies jar!" The hippie dumped the greenish gold buds into a large trophy. "What other strains do we got, hu? COME ON PEOPLE!" he urged. "Who else has buds to enter? Five minutes remaining! Tic-toc!"

Voltar raised a brow. He jumped, determined to see what was going on, but he couldn't see past anyone's torso. "Five minutes 'til what? What are they doing up there?"

"Dude, be patient. You'll be half past Xanadu by the end of the smoke off. Trust me." Dooter assured him.

"Xaaanaaaaduuuuuu!" Broodie sang loudly, leaning on Dooter's shoulders.

Voltar's eyes twitched with vexation. "I don't want to go to _Xanadu_!" He hissed, stomping his foot. "I want to go to October Fest!" He shouted loud enough for Doomageddon to hear over the clamor and psychedelic rock music blaring overhead. Doomageddon ignored him, fully engaged in a game of puff puff pass.

Broodie elbowed Dooter. "Maybe his friends ditched him here while he was tripping." She whispered. "Poor little weird guy…"

Dooter frowned to Voltar sympathetically. "Aw, give Harvest a chance. October fest is awesome, but my sister and I will show you good time at harvest. You can be our little bud buddy!" Dooter gave her sister a rather lopsided nod. "Broodie, if you would."

"Certainly!" Broodie and Dooter giggle as she handed Voltar a strange and colorful glass object and a lighter. Packed tightly (but not too tightly) in the bowl formed at the end of the glass object was a mass of shredded green leaves.

Voltar's antennae drooped. "What am I supposed to do with _this_?" He sneered, rotating it close in front of his eyes, peeking through the tiny hole drilled into it.

"It's a pipe. Glass on glass. Smoke it." Broodie urged.

Hesitant, but curious, Voltar held the pipe to his mask. He tried to inhale as he held the lighter flame against the leaves, but he sucked in nothing but air and a few leafy bits. He coughed, trying to spit the leaves out of his mouth.

"No no no. Put your thumb over the carb." Broodie corrected him.

"And don't pull so hard." Dooter added.

Voltar inspected the pipe once again and noticed a second hole drilled on the side of the bowl head. He repositioned his fingers so his thumb covered the hole as he held the pipe to his mask. Voltar held the lighter until the leaves cherried. He inhaled deeply, taking in a monstrous hit.

"There you go!" Broodie commended him. "Now hold it in as long as you can."

Voltar's eyes began to water. Unable to hold his breath any longer, he exhaled a large cloud of smoke and began to cough violently. "What are you trying to do- POISON ME?" He shouted in between winded hacks. Doomageddon rushed over and patted Voltar on the back until his breathing regulated. Then he snatched the bowl from Voltar and took a long smooth drag for himself.

"Now **he **has the right idea." Dooter smiled as Doomageddon returned her pipe, still holding his breath.

Voltar wobbled, adjusting his helmet. "Enough!" He dragged Doomageddon away by his collar. "Fool me once, shame on _you_. Fool me twice-"

Doomageddon exhaled another cloud of smoke in Voltar's face. Voltar dropped him instantly, clutching his throat as he coughed violently. "Not again!" He wheezed.

The pothead sisters knelt beside him. "Are you okay?" Broodie asked, holding him steady.

"Thassisome good shit." Voltar's mumbled incoherently. His orange eyes started to glow a soft pink as they swirled in opposite directions.

Dooter laughed. "How do you feel?" She asked, waving her hand in front of his face. "Voltar…? Voltar…?"

"Voltar…? V-man…? V-formation…? VOLTAR!"

Voltar stared off into space. The sisters' voices echoed off the farthest regions of his skull. Soon their existence was lost entirely to the transforming world around him. Textures appeared softer and hazy as his nerve endings melted beneath his skin in an incredibly calm, soothing sensation. His organs churned inside of him, waving rhythmically like an ocean tide, but he did not feel nauseous. Rather he felt light and connected with himself and all forms of matter surrounding him. Colors became brighter and vibrant. Sounds that irritated him moments earlier such as hippies coughing, insects buzzing and squirrels squeaking harmoniously synced up with the blowing wind and bouncy beat of the music. "Eeheeheeheeevil…"

Dooter patted him on the back. "We got a contact high!" She confirmed. "Oh yeah; he's ready."

"Kush! Kush is our final entry!" the head hippie announced through the microphone. "Start rolling, brothers and sisters! It's time for the 4:20 smoke off!!!"

It did not take long for a joint to get passed towards Voltar's section of the smoke off. Broodie, Dooter and Doomageddon puffed away at the bowls, joints and blunts that came their way like champs. They quickly inhaled, exhaled and passed them along to their fellow potheads. By his fourth drag off a joint, Voltar officially had no motor skills left to hold anything whatsoever, so Doomageddon and his new friends took turns blowing smoke in his face to keep his high going.

They sat, legs crossed beside each other. Broodie passed a roach to Dooter. "Which strain do think this is?" She asked, struggling to recognize the flavor.

Dooter took a long drag and passed it. "Super Silver. Definitely."

Broodie exhaled in Voltar's face. "You are now cloud chaser!" She dubbed him affectionately.

"I am the warrior!" Voltar mimicked gun firing with his fingers. "Bang Bang!"

Broodie laughed until Voltar climbed onto her back and rested his head on her scalp like a pillow. He rubbed his cheek against her curly hair, grinning and pink eyes swirling. "Wooly wooly sheep so soft…" He cooed.

"Hey!" She scolded him as she pulled him off her back and placed him on her lap. "Doomageddon, tend to our bud buddy."

Doomageddon leaned forward, stopping inches away from Voltar's face. A toothy grin formed on his reptilian face. He and Voltar's eyes locked onto each others. Doomageddon's pupils dilated. In them Voltar could see constellations twinkling in a murky black abyss. "I am the lizard king…" He chanted in Jim Morrison's voice. "Return to your tents and to your dreams…Tomorrow we visit the place of my birth…" He croaked a deep, sinister chuckle. "**I want to be ready**"

An expression of sheer terror froze on Voltar's masked face. He shrieked like a banshee, clawing his way past Broodie in a desperate attempt to flee the Hell hound.

The pothead sisters tackled him. "What happened?" Dooter asked, struggling to retrain the little villain. She and Broodie had not heard a thing.

"Some one must have slipped him some bad acid." Broodie Held the hyperventilating Voltar close. "Must still be tripping."

Dooter patted him on the head. "It's okay, bud buddy." She whispered softly. "You're among friends. This is a safe place. Nothing can touch you."

The sisters' embrace seemed to soothe the frightened and completely geeked out of his helmet Voltar. His muscles relaxed and the blissful smile returned to his face.

Broodie breathed a sigh of relief. "We better get him out of here before he hurts himself."

Dooter pouted. "But we're not even half way through the smoke off!"

"We'll restock tonight. Don't be a dick, be a dude."

"All right." Dooter took Voltar and placed him on Doomageddon's back. "Come on guys. Let's stop by the Hungry Hungry Hippies stand. I'll buy the ganja shakes."

Voltar let out an ecstatic "WEEEEE!" as Doomageddon carried him horseback beside the pothead sisters. They pushed through the crowd, stopping only for a few quick puffs here and there and headed towards the Harvest bazaar, leaving rainbow rivers and cotton candy clouds behind in their wobbly footsteps.

Meanwhile, several states away in Metroville, Red Menace was shoving a path through the dense crowd, determined to get a good spot. Dr. Frogg and the Henchbots followed close behind. They reached the stage set up at the far end of the famous Schottenhamel tent.

"This is it!" Dr. Frogg squealed, rubbing his claws together.

The mayor, also dressed in lederhosen appeared on stage, wheeling in a large, still sealed keg. He looked to his watch. "It's twelve-o-clock noon on the dot, folks! October fest is officially in cession!"

The audience cheered, raising their empty beer steins high. The mayor bowed, motioning towards his right. "Miss Bertha, would you do us the honor?"

A very tall woman, taller than the mayor by four feet at least, dressed in Viking armor complete with a horned helmet, wolf skull shoulder guards and shining steel breast plates appeared on stage. She waved to the crowd, blowing kisses to the whistling gentlemen.

"Wow…" A bashful grin formed on Red Menace's face. "She looks like the lady on the beer bottle."

Dr. Frogg glanced at the label on the empty bottle in his claw. "She IS the lady on the beer bottle! That's the Scheissengesicht Valkyrie!" He compared the real Valkyrie to the two dimensional beer icon. They really were completely identical, from her toned frame to her cup size (a whopping double D) to her elfish-gold braids. Frogg did notice a single difference. Upon closer inspection he realized her right arm gauntlet was in fact not a gauntlet, but prosthetic- no a robotic forearm.

Red Menace elbowed his distracted cohort. "You're gonna miss it!" he warned, pointing to the stage.

The Valkyrie hoisted a thick war hammer above her head. Shrieking her trade mark battle cry, she slammed the hammer onto the keg with all her might, busting it wide open. "O'ZAPFT IS!" She cheered, raising her war hammer in triumph.

"O'zapft is!" Dr. Frogg and Red Menace replied in unison, completely drenched in beer.

The Scheissengesicht mascot bowed to the cheering audience, wished them a happy October Fest and left the stage.

Laughing, Dr. Frogg rung the excess beer from his hair. Once dried it took back its previous unruly shape. "What a way to tap a keg."

"Yeah!" Red Menace raised a brow at him. "Hey, what does "o'zapft is" mean, Frogg?"

"It is tapped." The mad scientist translated. "It's part of the tradition. Technically, no one is supposed to drink until the mayor of Munich taps the first keg of the festival." Dr. Frogg pressed a shushing claw to his lips.

Red Menace gave him an understanding nod. He glanced at the brochure. "Scheissengesicht beer is sponsoring the festival here." He informed him. "They must have decided to let their mascot tap the keg. Neat. I never knew the Scheissie Valkyrie was based on a real woman."

"Oh yeah. Ferdinand Scheissengesicht's daughter took over as the company mascot after his wife died…I started out on Scheissengesicht beer." he explained.

"Is that why you have that inflatable pillow of her?"

"Heh heh…" Dr. Frogg gave his naïve friend a pat on the back and led him away from the stage. "Now that the first keg has been tapped, the bars will be open. Better hurry before the tents get crowded."

"Oh boy!" Red Menace quickened his pace. "Did you see which way the Scheissie Girl went? I want her to sign my bottle!"

"Ooh! Good idea!" Dr. Frogg scanned the crowd for her, zooming in with his goggles. "No luck. She's gone." he sighed, disappointed. "Oh well. I'm sure she'll be around. We have sixteen days to track her down." He smiled. "In the meantime, lets get tanked."

a/n: Making personal appearances in my fics is something I NEVER do, but I made an exception for the Harvest Fest gag =). Dooter is my nickname. Broodie is the nickname I gave my sister on her deviant art account (there, she is known as Broodwitch ^^) We might not be able to make it to this years Harvest fest like we had originally planned =( So I did the next best thing and wrote us into the fic. I woul totally smoke up Voltar and Doomageddon if given the chance XD. I'm such a loser

The Scheissengesicht Valkyrie will become more important to the story as the fic progresses, incase my shameless character description of her wasn't enough of a hint. Obviously, she is a spoof on the Heidi girl. Anything else…? No, I guess that's it for now. Until next time, thanks for reading and please review.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5: Hitch a Ride

"What'll ya have, boys?" Asked the bartender, who oddly enough was not Guy (not old enough to serve alcohol apparently.) He certainly did look like Guy though. Same weak chin, same greasy blond hair, but this person's voice was a bit deeper and his complexion a bit clearer. He was taller as well with facial hair and a nose ring. He might have been Guy's older brother or maybe it was Guy posing as a college student for extra hours. Who knew? Who cared as long as drinks were served.

"One Scheissengesicht lite please." Red requested with a pleasant smile. "Gotta watch the calories."

Dr. Frogg swatted him across the back of his head. "There is no lite beer drinking at October fest! THERE IS NO LITE BEER DRINKING AT OCTOBER FEST!" He looked to the bartender. "Just give us Jägermeister."

"Coming up." The bartender placed the bottle and two shot glasses in front of them.

Dr. Frogg popped open the bottle and filled the glasses. "You're on vacation." He reminded Red Menace. "Live a little."

Red Menace downed the shot in one smooth gulp. "Taste like liquorish." He stated, smacking his tongue against the roof of his mouth.

"That's Jäger." Dr. Frogg tipped his glass too Red Menace and also downed the shot in one gulp. "Good year." He grimaced for a split second then poured himself a second shot.

"It's still kind of early. Maybe we should hold off on the harder stuff until later tonight." The docile henchman suggested.

Dr. Frogg shook his head no dismissively. "Liquor before beer have no fear; beer before liquor, pull a Voltar quicker." He and Red Menace shared a laugh at their lush of a leader's expense. "Don't force me to nag you through the whole festival. Why are you being so cautious anyways? I haven't been drinking too much more than you so far and I'm only buzzed. You're a big guy; I'm scrawny. It's going to take a lot more to fuck you up than me."

Red Menace shrugged. "True, I guess. But…I'm not a very pleasant drunk." He admitted.

"We've gotten wasted together before. You seemed pleasant as ever then."

"No, I was only buzzed myself the last few times we drank." Red menace corrected him. "You've never seen me hammered out of my skull before."

Dr. Frogg looked skeptical. He found it incredibly hard to picture his cohort as anything less than sickeningly chipper. He patted him on the back. "Whatever you pull, I can deal with it. Trust me; what goes on tour stays on tour." He raised his shot glass to Red Menace. In turn, Red Menace raised his glass and they downed their shots in unison.

Dr. Frogg hunched over the counter. A warm sensation crept into him and slowly began to melt away his inhibitions. "Red, do you consider me a friend?" He asked out of the blue.

Red Menace shook his head, taken aback. "What kind of question is that? You and Voltar are like brothers to me. So what brought that up anyways?"

"Nothing, I just..." Dr. Frogg paused, shifting uncomfortably on his stool. "I know we're forbidden to ask each other these sort of questions under L.O.S.E. rules, but I was wondering…Do you ever think about going home? You know, to Siberia?"

Red Menace responded in an unexpected chuckle then took another shot of Jäger. "Are you kidding me? I can never go back home. My father would shoot me on sight if I ever set foot on the farm again."

"Doesn't approve of you trying to be a super villain?" Dr. Frogg inquired.

"Oh no, it has nothing to do with that. He's still angry with me for going AWOL."

Dr. Frogg raised a brow at him. "AWOL? You told us you were a farm hand."

"I was. My father was part of the Spetnaz Alpha group. I helped mom run the farm while dad went away on duty, but when he came home he used to put me and my brothers through training." Red menace explained, muscles tensing up as he went on. "He dreamed of the day his sons would become hardened soldiers like him." He paused to take another shot. "I guess a soldier's life would have been exciting and I would have gotten to carry some cool weapons and stuff, but…I just didn't want to go through with it."

"Military lifestyle too strict?"

"No. It was the training. My dad set up obstacle courses and firing ranges in the fields. He had us out there from dusk 'til dawn. Taught us to fight, to fire and to ignore pain. He even made me kill my pet goats and swim in their blood once. That's _way _too intense for a twelve year old, you know? After training under my father my whole childhood, I was so terrified of what the official Spetnaz would be like I fled the country when I was fourteen and never looked back." Red Menace abandoned the shot glass for the entire bottle. He took a big swig, drowning the memories. "I had to get away from the farm. I would have gone mad had I stayed. No offense."

"None taken." Dr. Frogg stared at Red Menace in shock. "Does Voltar know about your Spetnaz training?"

"Of course he does." Red Menace chuckled. "Why do you think he let me join L.O.S.E.?" His expression sobered. "What about you, Frogg? You ever think about going back to Munich?"

"…Sometimes…." He fibbed. Dr. Frogg had thought about leaving L.O.S.E twenty four seven after the first week of moving into the lair. He didn't want to run away to Munich per se, but to **anywhere **away from his current lot in life. What made him stay with the league, he had yet to figure out, and he was in no mood to ponder it now.

Red Menace broke the awkward silence. "Why are we sitting here doing nothing when there's a thousand things to do outside this tent?"

Dr. Frogg shrugged. "I'm having fun sitting here keeping the Jäger company."

"Come on…There's a cross bow competition going on in the Armbrustschützenzelt tent." Red Menace waved the brochure in Dr. Frogg's face seductively. "I'm signing up. You want in?"

Dr. Frogg couldn't help but let out an obnoxious "HA! You really think you can out shoot me? Laser pistols and atom blasters aren't the only projectile weapons I've mastered over the years."

"I bet you can't even hold a crossbow."

"Screw you, I cant!" The two villains exchanged challenging smirks. "You're on, Red." Dr. Frogg agreed.

"YAY!" Red Menace cheered with glee then hopped off his stool and dragged Dr. Frogg off to the exit. "After the crossbow competition we can ride the rides and play games and feed the animals and-"

"Whoa! I came here to drink!" Dr. Frogg protested.

Red Menace yanked harder. "We'll drink in between that stuff." He smiled. "It'll be fun!"

Dr. Frogg's stomach sank. Sadly, he was not drunk enough to believe Red Menace quite yet.

Voltar awoke to the sound of car horns honking and the clang of a discarded cola can smacking him in the forehead. He bolted upright, realizing he was in a ditch on the side of a highway nowhere near his lair. He groaned, holding his aching head as he wobbled to his feet. "Doomageddon? Doomageddon! Get over here!" He called out to his hellhound.

Doomageddon pounced on him from behind the guardrail.

"Down! DOWN!" Voltar commanded, shoving the hellhound off his chest. "I'm not kidding! Get off!"

Doomageddon finally sat, tongue hanging out as he grinned mischievously up at his "master."

Voltar eyed Doomageddon strangely. His eyes were bloodshot and instead of his usual brown cloak and red spiked collar, he wore a tie-dyed cloak with a woven hemp collar. "Where the hell did you take me THIS time…and what are you wearing…?" Voltar looked down and noticed for the first time he too was clothed in a tie-dyed poncho. "Where did this come from?" He quickly ripped off the poncho. Doomageddon snatched it in his jowls and ate it whole. Voltar then began to empty his pockets of mysterious, unlabeled pills and plastic baggies filled with shredded leaves and what appeared to be dried mushrooms. "What's all this crap? Who put oregano in my pocket?" He sniffed one of the bags. "Aw, it's gone bad!" He tossed the pills and bags aside. Doomageddon snatched them up as well, but rather than devour them, he sent them to another dimension for safe keeping.

Growling, frustrated, Voltar felt his costume for any more gifts. He removed and inspected his belt buckle. It was in the shape of the L.O.S.E skull, but was made of hand blown glass rather than cheap plastic. The eyes were made of a swirling black, red and purple gemstone. He felt an engraving on the back and flipped it over.

It read "_Stay evil; with love Dooter and Broodie."_

"What the-? Who the fuck is-?" Voltar decided it was best not to ask. The belt buckle _was_ kind of neat, so he kept it. After fastening it back on his waste, he turned to Doomageddon glaring furiously. "Do you think this is funny?" He yelled.

Doomageddon snickered as Voltar continued to scream at him. He could not hear a single word from the enraged mutant over the sound of traffic, but it was hysterical watching Voltar wave his arms spastically while his face contorted with anger.

"You know what…?" Voltar glanced at the billboard across the road that read "October Fest 3 miles this way" with an arrow pointed north. "Fuck you! I'll walk there!" Voltar stomped off in a huff.

Doomageddon set his harvest cloak ablaze and replaced it with his usual attire. He started to follow Voltar, but the villain turned around and pointed south. "NO! You blew it, mister! I'm tired of all the horrible things that happen to me when you're around! Go home!" Voltar started walking once again and again, Doomageddon followed.

'NO!" Voltar repeated. "Go HOME Doomageddon! If you're not going to take me to October Fest, then scram!"

Doomageddon took a dramatic step forward.

"Don't even-"

And another.

"I'm warning you!"

Doomageddon leapt in front of him.

Voltar cried out in defeat, pulling his antennae. "FINE! You can tag along. Just keep your jaws and claws to yourself until we track down Frogg." Voltar set out once again, this time with Doomageddon at his side, snickering. A few minutes into their excursion, a song popped into Voltar's head. He couldn't remember where he had heard it, but he felt compelled to sing. Doomageddon howled with him.

_"I had heard the whispered tales  
Of immortality  
The deepest mystery  
From an ancient book. I took a clue  
I scaled the frozen mountain tops  
Of eastern lands unknown  
Time and Man alone  
Searching for the lost ---- Xanadu  
Xaaaanaaaduuuuuuu" _

They had only walked maybe three quarters of a mile before Voltar started to get tired. He tugged at his collar to let in some cool air. "Man, there's more hills on this road than I thought. Maybe we can hitchhike. He walked up to the edge of the road and stuck out his thumb.

Car after car passed, leaving Voltar and Doomageddon in the dust. Voltar's brow sagged with annoyance. "How **dare **these peons pass up the opportunity to give the great and evil Voltar a lift!"

Doomageddon yawned, not paying attention the to situation whatsoever, that is until he spotted the shiny black wheels of a Scheissengesicht delivery truck spinning towards him. Doomageddon jumped into the road and pounced on the bumper of the delivery truck just as it drove past Voltar. He bit down on the right rear tire, popping it instantly.

"Gheeeek!" Voltar dove out of the way as the truck spun off the side of the road. It crashed sideways into the guardrail, barely remaining upright as it skidded to a halt. Voltar watched from behind some tall grass as the driver hopped out of his vehicle to inspect the damage. Doomageddon shrank to the size of a squirrel and hid under the truck.

"That stupid mutt!" Voltar cursed inwardly. "He almost got me killed!"

"Aw shit!" The driver spat, tossing his uniform hat to the ground. "Just what I need; a flat tire! I'll never get this beer to October Fest at this rate."

"October Fest!" A huge grin formed beneath Voltar's helmet. "Doomageddon, ol' pal, you're brilliant!"

The driver sighed as he reached into the passenger seat for his tool box. "At least I have one spare left." He grumbled.

While the driver's back was turned, Voltar suddenly burst into blue flames. Seconds later he found himself wedged behind a stack of beer cases with a squirrel-sized Doomageddon staring down at him from the top of the pile, wagging his tail. "Good work, boy!" Voltar commended him. "We just have to lay low until the truck sneaks us into the festival! Then I can finally pay back Frogg and Red for-"

Voltar glanced up and noticed the label on the beer cases all read Scheissengesicht non alcoholic. The little villain giggled, rubbing his fingers together manically. "That's it! I'll replace all the beer at October Fest with the non alcoholic beer and challenge Red and Frogg to a drink off! They'll already be so wasted, I'll totally drink them under the table!"

Doomageddon rolled his eyes and sighed.

Voltar shushed him. "Want the driver to hear you?" He grinned. "I can taste victory now."

"Yeah, it taste like cold piss." Doomageddon sneered inwardly, grimacing at the thought of drinking non alcoholic beer. He decided it best to let Voltar bask in his self ordained glory for now. He was bound to get a cheap laugh out of this after all.

Meanwhile:

Red Menace and Dr. Frogg stood in the center of a relatively long line. At the front of the line stood a large colorful sign that read "Horse Rides, one dollar!"

"I can't believe you talked me into this." Dr. Frogg groaned as he reached into Henchbot 17 for a fresh beer.

"We have three hours to kill before the crossbow competition and it's my turn to pick how we're going to burn time." Red Menace reminded him.

"You are a grown man in line for a pony ride."

"They're horses." Red Menace argued in his defense.

Dr. Frogg shook his head. "There is something very **very **wrong with you, Red. You're lucky that Jäger kicked in, or else-"

"NEXT TWO, PLEASE!"

"That's us!" Red Menace raced towards the stables, giggling ecstatically. Dr. Frogg followed, trying his damnedest not to step in horse shit.

Horse wrangler Guy met them in the stables astride a white horse. "Howdy, I mean, tag fella's." he greeted the villains. Guy looked Red Menace over. "Wow, you're a big dude, hu?" The teen chuckled nervously. "You'll have to ride Big Red." He pointed to the rust colored Clydesdale in the stall across from him.

Red smiled at the humungous horse, patting his snout gently. "You're name's Red too? How cute!"

Dr. Frogg shook his head in disgust, but said nothing. Why ruin the henchman's fun? Guy tapped him on the shoulder. "You get to ride Stormy." He informed the mad scientist before whistling.

Dr. Frogg smiled. "Ooh, I like that name. I bet he's a big black horse with…" A frown formed on Dr. Frogg's face a little gray mule came trotting up to him.

"Aw, he's cute too! I wish I was light enough to ride a mule."

"Shut up, Red." Dr. Frogg hissed.

Guy helped the villains onto their steeds (well, steed and mule). He gave the steeds a quick slap on the butt and sent them racing out into the corral.

"Yee HA!" Red Menace cheered, snapping the reigns for Big Red to run faster. The Clydesdale picked up the pace, running circles around Dr. Frogg and Stormy. Dr. Frogg didn't mind Stormy's sluggishness. He nervously clung to the saddle for dear life, trying to keep Stormy at a calm walking pace.

"Ride em' in! Move em' out! RAW HIDE!" Red Menace sang aloud. "What's the matter, Dr. Frogg?" He signaled for Big Red to slow down. "Don't you wanna race?"

"No. This is humiliating! I want off. How do I get Stormy to pull over?"

"Aw, don't be a spoiled sport. He's tame. Just kick him gently on the side, like this." Red Menace demonstrated. Big Red trotted ahead, heavy hoofs clopping against the dirt like thunderstorm.

"Oh…all right." Going against his better judgment, Dr. Frogg gently kicked his heels against Stormy's stomach. Rather than trot like Big Red however, Stormy charged straight forward, bucking wildly.

Dr. Frogg screamed in terror as he struggled to stay on the mule's back. Stormy skidded to a halt just inches from the fence. He was tossed off his saddle and right over the fence. Dr. Frogg landed face first in the dirt.

"Frogg!" Red Menace hopped off Big Red and rushed over to his fallen cohort's side. "Frogg? Frogg, are you okay?"

Dr. Frogg hacked up dust and a few knocked out teeth as Red Menace yanked him to his feet. "I'm okay. Beer is the one of the world's oldest pain killer." He assured the henchman, chuckling weakly as he adjusted his cracked goggle lenses and brushed off his shirt. "At least I didn't land in shit."

Red Menace laughed. "Yeah, that would have sucked. I guess our five minutes are up. We gotta return our horses."

"Aw, and I was just getting to know the smelly beast." Dr. Frogg mumbled with false disappointment.

"I know. I'm gonna miss Big Red too."

Dr. Frogg cringed. He couldn't tell who had a lesser grasp on sarcasm, Red Menace or Voltar.

"That's okay though." Red Menace assured him. "We got the rest of the festival grounds to explore."

a/n: This chapter was originally going to be longer, but I decided to leave off here and save some of the other gags I had planned for chapter six. I went into my own little fan theory about Red Menace's past a bit in this one, and I intend to go into Doktor Frogg's past and maybe even Voltar's too later on. Though I really hope that isn't getting into the way of the comedy. I kind of felt that the beginning of this chapter slowed things down a bit. Oh well. Oh and Xanadu is by Rush. XD

Is anyone still reading this? Pweeze review!


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6: Being Watched?

The two villains decided to kill time with a rousing game of air hockey. The friendly game quickly turned hostile as the they struggled to out goal the other.

Dr. Frogg's claws proved to be ill-equipped for sliding the little plastic blocker, but he fought strong. Red Menace was ahead by only one point. The last goal would determine the victor. The puck zoomed towards Dr. Frogg from the left. He blocked with an eighth of an inch to spare. "Yes!" The mad scientist cheered, grinning .

Red menace tightened his grip on the blocker. His eyes narrowed, focusing intently on the puck as it ricocheted off the side of the table and towards his goal. He bumped the puck with all his might, sending it flying right off the table.

Dr. Frogg's eyes widened. Every brain cell in his head told him to duck, but his body froze and the puck pinged him in the forehead. The sheer forced sent him toppling over backwards into a pinball game. Dr. Frogg hit the back of his head on the corner of the machine and collapsed to the floor.

"Hey!" A little freckled kid shouted down at Dr. Frogg. "Thanks a lot, asshole! I was THIS close to a high score!" The kid kicked him in the torso and stomped off in a huff.

"That wasn't nice!" Red Menace scolded. The kid ignored the henchman, flipping him off.

"I'm SO sorry!" Red Menace knelt down and removed the puck imbedded in Dr. Frogg's forehead. "You okay?"

Dr. Frogg coughed, hugging his abdomen. "He kicked me in the kidneys!" He wheezed pitifully.

Red Menace winced as he picked Dr. Frogg up and gently placed him on his feet. "Sorry." He apologized again.

Scowling, Dr. Frogg snatched Red Menace by the bridge of his nose and squeezed. "That's the forth or fifth time you mangled me today! Damn it, Red are you **trying** to kill me?"

"No…." Red Menace replied meekly, voice becoming increasingly nasally as the cartilage in his nose crunched between Dr. Frogg's steel fingers.

Dr. Frogg grinded his teeth, resisting the urge to lash out. Red Menace gave him the sad, puppy-eyed look through his mask. Dr. Frogg sighed, releasing his grip. He couldn't stay mad at the henchman. It wasn't his fault he never learned his own strength. "Just…pay attention to what you're doing from now on, all right?"

Red Menace nodded. "I will, Frogg. Promise."

Dr. Frogg felt the indent on his forehead and sighed. "Looks like you won. I drink. Beer me, Red."

Red Menace reached into Henchbot 32' mouth for a fresh beer and handed it to the doktor. "I think we're starting to run low." He warned.

Dr. Frogg choked, nearly spitting out his beer. "We can't be!" He put Henchbot 17 in a headlock and reached into his mouth. "No, no, 17 is still three quarters of the way full." He corrected his cohort.

"Good. Oh, I mean, bad." Red Menace breathed a sigh of relief. "We still have 45 minutes to kill before the crossbow competition. The Zombie Massacre Boardwalk game is free."

Dr. Frogg shook his head no. "Na, I'm bored with the arcade."

"Wanna check out some of the rides then?"

Dr. Frogg shrugged. "Sure, why not."

"Woo hoo!" Red Menace cheered as he raced for the exit, of course, Dragging Dr. Frogg with him.

"OW! OW OOOOWWW!"

Red Menace screeched to a halt. He looked back, only to realize he had smacked Dr. Frogg against nearly every game in the arcade tent. Dr. Frogg glared up at him, hair askew and skin covered in bruises. "Sorry." Red Menace squeaked, releasing his battered cohort.

"It's okay…" The mad scientist growled. "Which way to the-" He paused, staring in wide eyed horror.

"What's wrong?" Red Menace looked around and spotted nothing unusual. Just rides, food and beer kiosks, fun tents and smiling festival goers.

"Look!" Dr. Frogg gasped, pointing a quivering claw.

Red Menace looked forward. "It's…a sign."

"A 'You must be THIS tall to ride sign!" Dr. Frogg clarified.

Red Menace cocked his head in confusion. "Is the clown on it creeping you out?"

"No, you idiot! Look at the puddle at its base! It's purple! Voltar's been here!"

Red Menace giggled dismissively. "Oh come on-"

"How many 'You must be this tall to ride' signs has Voltar pissed on, Red?"

"Some kid probably spilled a grape Slushie Slush." Red Menace assured him.

"Well, smell it and make sure it's not piss."

"No way! YOU smell it!"

Dr. Frogg backed away from the purple puddle slowly. "I don't like this. I don't like this at all."

"How could Voltar be here? We took the V-Mobile, remember?"

"Yeah, but maybe he-"

"Maybe Shmaybe. He's NOT here. Who would let him in? He ripped up his villain ID. No one would believe he's of legal age without it."

"True…but-"

"Boy, and you keep calling _me_ paranoid." Red Menace chuckled and motioned for Dr. Frogg to follow. "This way. The line for the wonder whirl isn't too long."

Dr. Frogg followed, glancing back at the purple puddle with dread. Voltar's annoying presence hovered over him, wheezing down the back his long, scrawny neck. "Red's right." He told himself inwardly. "Voltar is miles away at the lair, still sulking on the couch. There's no way he could be here. No way at all…"

Meanwhile; or about 37 minutes ago I should say…

The Scheissengesicht delivery truck drove over a speed bump, sending Voltar and Doomageddon flying in the air. Voltar slammed against a stack of beer boxes. The top box fell over, landing on his head.

"Ow!" Voltar cried, feeling his helmet for any dents. "This asshole must be brown bagging it in there." He grumbled under his breath.

Doomageddon snickered.

"Shut up, you!" Voltar hissed. He fidgeted a moment, stretching his legs. "Hope we get there pretty soon. I'm freezing my ass off back h-"

"Unloading area is on your left." Voltar heard parking instructor Guy inform the driver.

The vehicle swerved and stopped. Voltar pressed his head against the truck wall. He heard the front door slam shut and the clanging of a lock being opened. "Yes! Made it! We're in!" He whispered to Doomageddon. "Hide!"

The Hellhound had a better idea. He teleported Voltar and himself out of the truck and rematerialized them beside the large storage cooler. "Way to think on your claws, boy." Voltar commended him. "Why the hell didn't you do that the first time I asked you to bring us here?"

Doomageddon shrugged smiling. Human footsteps in the distance caught his attention. He pointed to the festival staff (all wearing lederhosen) unloading the delivery truck.

The manager stepped forward, scowling. "What the hell is this non alcoholic crap doing here? No one's going to drink this!"

"Hey, I was told to drop off this order at the October Fest." The driver argued in his defense, holding out a clipboard. "You gonna sign here or what?"

"Yeah, sure…" The manager snatched it from the deliverer's hands and scribbled his name on the order forms. "The big gal's not gonna be happy." He muttered under his breath. "Take this shit inside." He ordered his stocking crew, motioning towards the main cooler with his thumb. "Just throw it wherever there's room."

Voltar elbowed Doomageddon. "We'll break into the cooler and switch the beer later on tonight. For right now, help me sniff out Frogg." He hooked a leash to the Doomageddon's collar. "Start tracking!"

Doomageddon nodded, licking his lips. He ran off towards the festival grounds, taking Voltar for a royal drag.

"Stop! STOP! YOU'RE EVIL LORD AND MASTER COMMANDS YOU TO- OMPH!" Doomageddon skidded to a halt at a funnel cake stand.

Voltar wobbled, adjusting his helmet. He growled, glaring at Doomageddon, who scratched at the façade of the kiosk, wagging his tail ecstatically. "Down boy!" He shouted, yanking Doomageddon's leash as hard as he could.

Doomageddon whimpered. Voltar's vexed expression did not soften. "We'll eat AFTER we find Frogg, got it?" The sweet smell of fresh funnel cakes filled the air. "Oh man, that does smell tasty…" Voltar couldn't resist. He quickly gave into his appetite. "One with strawberries and powdered sugar!" He requested, holding up his pointer finger to the big busty blonde lady running the stand.

Doomageddon snarled at him.

"Okay, fine! Make that two, one with no strawberries!"

"Coming up!"

About a minute later, Voltar and Doomageddon walked away, happily munching on the sugary funnel cake goodness. "I'm not sure why, but I'm STARVING." Voltar exclaimed. "I could eat ten of these things." In between bites, the mutant spotted something out of the corner of his glowing gold eyes- something that irritated him to no end.

In the front of the carrousel ride stood a large cardboard cutout of a clown in lederhosen holding up his arm to his side. Above his arm in big bold red font read 'You must be at least THIS tall to ride.'

"Oh yeah, fuckles?" Voltar sneered. Muttering, he dropped the remainder of his funnel cake to the ground (Doomageddon immediately devoured it of course) and stomped over to the sign, wearing his best angry face. He undid his fly and relieved himself right on the cardboard clown's shoes. He whistled a happy tune until his bladder was completely empty, refastened his fly and walked off, satisfied and head held high.

"That's enough of that." He exclaimed, brushing the palms of his gloved hands together. "Now, put your snout to good use and find Frogg."

Later;

Tea Cup rides are NOT evil, or at least that's what Voltar always said, but they were Red Menace's favorite ride and since Voltar was not there to stop him, he got right in line.

As a general rule, tea cup rides are not adrenalin pumping thrill machines, but with Red Menace at the wheel, the rotation was enough to make Doom Driver's stomach turn. Dr. Frogg and Red Menace both laughed with delight and screamed in terror as the little pink tea cup spun on it's axis at an alarming rate. Their surroundings blurred as Red Menace forced the wheel to turn faster and faster until the gears squealed and smoked beneath them.

Finally the ride came to a stop. The villain's tea cup was the last one to stop spinning. "That was fun, hu?" Red Menace elbowed Dr. Frogg, panting heavily.

Dr. Frogg didn't respond. A loud rumbling shook his insides. He held his mouth shut tight as he leapt out of the tea cup and raced towards the nearest trash can, knocking down four young kids and their grandmother to do it.

Dr. Frogg lurched over the can and began to puke violently. Red Menace stood over him, smirking. "You pulled a Voltar first!" he cried, pointing. "Told you, you drank too much too fast."

Dr. Frogg released a second and final wave of vomit. "Fuck you!" He sneered, wiping his mouth on his sleeve. "Yuck! I have to get this taste out of my mouth. Red-"

"Yeah, I know." Red Menace sighed and handed Dr. Frogg a cold bottle from Henchbot 17's gullet. He knew better than to argue by this point.

A little kid walked up and tugged on Red Menace's pant leg. "That was cool! Can you spin me too, mister?"

"And me?"

"And me?"

A chorus of "And me's" chimed around the henchman.

Red menace smiled. "Sure. Be right there." He looked to Dr. Frogg. "You gonna be okay?"

"Yeah, yeah. It's all out of my system." Dr. Frogg assured him. "But we really don't have time for-"

"I'll only go two maybe three more times." Red Menace promised as the mob of kids dragged him back into line.

Dr. Frogg growled with annoyance. Red Menace's politeness wouldn't be quite so annoying if it didn't constantly inconvenience him. No use protesting now though. Dr. Frogg leaned against the railing, taking swigs from his beer as he waited.

He spotted something small and red in the distance. The beer bottle slipped through his claw and smashed into a million glass pieces on the concrete. Startled, Dr. Frogg zoomed in with his goggles and realized it was just a small boy in a red shirt and red baseball cap. He chuckled, kicking himself inwardly.

"I saw that!" Red Menace shouted from the back of the line. "That's alcohol abuse, Frogg! The penalty is a punch in the head!"

"Not in front of the little bastards!" Dr. Frogg teased. He looked back towards the crowd. Still no sign of Voltar, but his dreaded nagging aura lingered close by. Dr. Frogg shrugged it away. He made a mental note to keep his eyes peeled…

Later, near sunset; outside the Armbrustschützenzelt tent.

Dr. Frogg and Red Menace stood in line with the other crossbow competitors, crossbows in hand (and claw), fully loaded.

"My arms are killing me." Red Menace lamented, whispering.

"Serves you right for being nice." Dr. Frogg scolded.

Red Menace smirked. "Count it towards your handicap." He teased.

"My handicap? Don't forget who you're talking to, Red. These claws-"

"Quiet over there!" Safety instructor Guy shushed them.

The villain's straightened their postures and listened closely.

Guy cleared his throat before continuing. "The rules are simple. Five rounds. The three shooters with the lowest scores will be eliminated. The three shooters with the highest score at the fifth round wins. Top score wins a trophy and a round of free beers courtesy of the Scheissy Valkyre herself. Keep the safety on at all times. Aim ONLY at the targets…"

Dr. Frogg rolled his eyes as Guy's safety speech became a series of "Blah Blah Blahs." He swiftly and discretely removed the safety mechanism on his crossbow with one claw. He never kept the safety on any projectile weapon. It only screwed with his aim.

"Let's have a good shoot off. To the firing range!"

The contestants followed Guy around the tent. Dr. Frogg smiled confidently, cocking his crossbow over his shoulder as he marched humming Deutschlandlied .

But to his dismay, he caught a glimpse of a tiny red flash followed by a long yellow flash darting between the neighboring tents. He stumbled over his feet, accidentally pulling the trigger.

"Whoa!" The young man, (most likely a college student) behind him cried as the arrow missed his skull by a sixteenth of an inch and landed in the tree behind him. "Watch it, asshole!" He snapped, shoving Dr. Frogg into Red Menace.

"You watch it, _whole ass_!" Red Menace pushed him back.

"Look, Jolly Green Giant's body guarding nerd-o faggins over here." The college student snorted, chuckling (and slurring his words a bit) as he poked Red Menace in the chest. "You got something to say, carrot top? Hu?"

Dr. Frogg snatched the student, squeezing until his steel fingers drew blood from his forearm. "Touch him again, and I'll lob your arm off." He warned, glaring at the college student right in his eyes.

"Let go of me, you fucking cyborg freak!"

"What's going on here? Break it up!" Guy ordered, shooing the bickering competitors apart.

Dr. Frogg relaxed his grip and backed away.

"Nothing's going on." Red Menace assured Guy, but Guy didn't buy it.

"I heard a crossbow go off."

"Yeah, this fucking idiot nearly took my head off!" The college student cried, pointing an accusing finger at Dr. Frogg. "And look what he did to my arm!" He shook his forearm in front of Guy's face, dripping blood from three puncture wounds.

Guy snatched Dr. Frogg's crossbow and inspected it. "You removed the safety, didn't you?'

Dr. Frogg shrugged, smiling innocently. "It had been tampered with when they passed it to me."

Guy glared at him. "You're disqualified. Get lost before you kill somebody."

"Then I forfeit too." Red Menace offered Guy his crossbow., but Dr. Frogg motioned for him to stop.

"Go on, Red." He insisted. "I'll watch you from the bleachers. Good luck." With that, Dr. Frogg walked off towards the bar.

He sat at the mixing counter with a cold Scheissengesicht in claw. An irritated and disappointed scowl froze on his face. He SAW Voltar outside, he was sure of it and it cost him the crossbow competition.

He chugged down his beer fast. "Voltar, if I catch you within ten feet of me at this festival I'll…" He trailed off, unable to think of a violent enough course of action. He chugged the remainder of his beer and set the empty bottle aside. "Another Scheissy!" He ordered.

"Coming up!" the bar keeper replied, sliding a fresh beer bottle his way.

Dr. Frogg watched the shooters aim and fire their crossbows. Red Menace actually managed to land a bull's-eye on the first shot. The audience cheered. "Maybe I underestimated him." He thought aloud.

Dr. Frogg watched the exits carefully, inspecting every person who passed, entered and exited. Voltar was nowhere in sight, but he continued to watch like a hawk. "I would have seen him by now if he was here." He told himself inwardly. "Voltar was never good at blending in with a crowd."

He felt a hand on his shoulder and he jumped, screaming. He turned around to find Red Menace standing before him wearing his usual bright smile. "What are you doing?" He asked.

"I uh…nothing." Dr. Frogg eyed him strangely. "What are you doing here? You couldn't have been disqualified already."

Red Menace shrugged. "Eh, I left. What's the point if you're not playing too. You were the only real competition out there."

Dr. Frogg smiled, flattered.

"Besides, I'm gonna wait for the punk who got you kicked out to come back."

Dr. Frogg flashed him a dismissive hand gesture. "Thanks, but forget about it, Red."

"No, I'm not going to forget about it! He really ticked me off." Red Menace snapped. "Who does he think he is, getting in your face like that? Someone has to teach that little puke some manners!" Red Menace slammed his fist against the counter sending a shockwave that spilled everyone's drinks. The other drinkers glared at Red Menace coldly, but dared not say anything to him.

Dr. Frogg stared at the dent Red Menace's fist had left. His cohort rarely used his 'anvil sized fists of judgment'; so rarely in fact, Dr. Frogg forgot just how dangerous Red Menace can be. "I did nearly shoot him in the face, Red." He reminded the henchmen in his calmest voice. "Let it go. We'll sign up for tomorrow night's shoot off, okay? We'll head over to the Hippodrom tent instead; see if the band is playing."

Red Menace's expression softened. "Okay…but if that guy comes anywhere near us again-" He raised his fist, ready to slam another dent in the counter, but Dr. Frogg held his fist back.

"Don't collapse the counter, or they might make us pay for it." He begged. He stood and led Red Menace to the exit.

Packed in the Hippodrom tent were fairgoers dressed in traditional lederhosen and dirndls dancing to a folk band playing fast, bouncy polka music. Red Menace tapped his foot to the beat as he and Dr. Frogg waited for their drinks. The music seemed to have calmed the henchman down, as Dr. Frogg anticipated.

"The change of scenery was a good idea, Frogg." Red Menace admitted. "I was **so **ready to tear that guy apart-"

Dr. Frogg patted him on the back. "I wouldn't let you do anything you'd regret, big guy."

Feminine giggle caught Red Menace's ear. He glanced to his left. Three young women in dirndls waved at him. He waved back, smiling. He nudged dr. Frogg on the shoulder. "Check it out. I think they want us to dance." He whispered, pointing to the ladies.

Dr. Frogg looked the girls over, but quickly turned his head away, blushing. "No, I think they just want you to. I can't dance to save my life."

"Aw, come on. You're not even going to say hi?"

"Not until I've had maybe two or three more of these in me will I approach a girl." He refused, jiggling his half empty Scheissengesicht bottle."

"Talking to girls isn't _that_ hard. Just don't act like a spaz, and you'll be golden."

Dr. Frogg flashed him the middle finger (or as close to the gesture as his claws would allow). "Easy for you to say. You're handsome" He put a particularly sarcastic emphasis on the word 'handsome.

"Aw come on, there's like thirty girls in here to choose from. Don't be such a…"

A black haired girl in the blue, gray and black dirndl waltzed over and put her arm in Red Menace's and started pulling him towards the dance floor. "You sure you don't want to-?"

"I'll sit this one out. You have fun."

Red menace shrugged. "Suit yourself." He followed the girl to the dance floor, smiling blissfully as they grooved to the beat together, perfectly in step.

Dr. Frogg rolled his eyes at them. The cuteness of it all was enough to make him gag. He would never admit it aloud, but he was incredibly jealous of Red Menace when it came to female interaction. They always seemed to flock to him and Dr. Frogg knew why. Red was young, tall, strong, clean shaven with a perfect smile and perfect manners to match. He always knew what to say and what to do around girls. Dr. Frogg had been virtually unable to keep his cool around the opposite sex since his awkward ascension into puberty. It was not as if he had any interests in pursuing a relationship, sure, but it would be nice to attract a girl for himself for a change.

Dr. Frogg turned his back to the crowd. The song ended and Red Menace returned to his seat.

"That was quick. How'd it go?"

Red Menace smiled, sighing. "Her name's Helen. She's nice. I really like her. Too bad Voltar doesn't allow romantic fraternizing."

Dr. Frogg shook his head in disbelief. "What? Are you fucking serious? You can't put your whole life on hold for LOSE, Red. Get back out there and go after her if you like her."

Red Menace looked hesitant. Dr. Frogg shoved him forward. "Go! Schnell, before she gets away!"

Red Menace nodded, taking a swig of beer. "You know what? Maybe you're right." He stood, smoothing down his hair. "I'm gonna go have sex with her behind the tent."

Dr. Frogg spat out his beer in shock. He had no idea Red Menace even knew what sex was! He was almost positive the henchmen was a virgin (or simply in the closet) until that point. He stared in disbelief as Red Menace snuck out the emergency exit with Helen on his arm and a twinkle in his eye. He decided to turn his head and forget anything ever happened. He might have thrown up otherwise.

"Deis seat taken?" A deep, yet effeminate voice asked.

Dr. Frogg did not bother to look up. "No." He replied, still hunched over his beer.

"Thanks." She took a seat and raised her hand to the bartender. "Just a vater." She requested.

"Right away, boss!"

"Boss?" Dr. Frogg repeated in his head. He finally glanced over at the woman sitting beside him and nearly fainted. "You- y-y-you're the Scheissengesitch-"

"Call me Bertha." She extended her large, robotic hand to him.

Quivering bashfully, Dr. Frogg shook her hand and shook. He couldn't believe it! The real Scheissengesicht Valkyre sat right beside him! She did not look quite as tall as when she appeared on stage in the Schottenhamel tent, but she was easily over seven feet tall for certain. Dr. Frogg suspected she suffered from Acromegaly, though she did not have a thick brow or overly blocky features. In fact, her facial and body features seemed quite soft and perfectly proportioned to her height; a genetic stroke of luck. Dr. Frogg caught himself staring at her ample cleavage concealed in shining brass breast plates and immediately looked up. "Don't say 'sign my claw" he repeated in his head over and over again, but it slipped anyways. "Would you sign my claw?"

"Sure." Bertha inspected his metal appendages carefully. "These look handy- I mean practical. Mine, not so useful." She extended her arm away from him. Her fingers formed hilts and a long steely blade shot out from her wrist.

Dr. Frogg smiled, intrigued by the deadly concealed broadsword. "I can think of a couple of good uses for that."

Bertha nodded, expression frozen sober. She retracted her blade inward. "Got a pen?"

"Oh, yeah!" Dr. Frogg started to feel in his pockets for a pen, accidentally knocking his beer over with his elbow.

Bertha cried out as beer spilled all over her mechanical forearm, breast and lap. Dr. Frogg gasped, embarrassed. "I'm sorry!" he tried to set the beer bottle up right, only to accidentally crush it in his claws. Glass exploded everywhere, including Bertha's breasts and lap.

"You jackass!" She snapped, balling her fist.

"Oh no! God damn these things!" He cursed his claws aloud, shaking them dramatically. "Hold still, I'll clean it up!" Dr. Frogg blushed as he reached for a napkin and began to dab it against Bertha's tits.

Bertha scowled at him through her horned helmet. "VHAT ARE YOU DOING?"

"Dr. Frogg suddenly realized what exactly he had his claws on and stumbled backwards, face blushing super bright red.

Red Menace jumped, startled in mid kiss as he heard a loud crash followed by a heavy thud coming from inside the Hippodrom tent.

"What's wrong?" Helen asked, hugging him close.

Red Menace pushed her away and climbed to his feet. "Sounds like someone hit the floor in there. Be right back…" He quickly put his mask back on and raced inside the tent. To his horror he spotted Dr. Frogg knocked out on the floor with a large woman standing over him with a balled fist raised above her head.

Red Menace froze, staring in shock. It could have been the alcohol, he was not sure, but something inside of him snapped, and his vision went black. The only things that existed at the moment were him, his fists, the large woman and a red hot rage brewing inside of him.

Aln: Woo! Kind of a long chapter. The Scheissengesitch Valkyre finally made a full appearance. Poor Doktor Frogg suffered through this whole chapter. Voltar made it inside the festival. Red Menace is actually drunk enough to feel angry now. Oooh, look out. Shit's about to go down XD. Hope everyone who reads this enjoys it as much as I did writing it.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7: Red Menace v. Valkyzon

Red Menace froze, staring in shock. It could have been the alcohol, he was not sure, but something inside of him snapped, and his vision went black. The only things that existed at the moment were him, his fists, the large woman and a red hot rage brewing inside of him.

Red Menace stomped towards Bertha, fist balled and face contorted in a scowl. Bertha looked to him with her brow raised. "Can… I help you?"

With no warning, Red Menace gave Bertha a solid punch to the face.

She fell backwards over the bar counter on impact, smashing the entire spirits cabinet and every bottle and glass within it. A chorus of gasps filled the Hippodrom tent. The bouncy polka music stopped instantly. Everyone backed away from the bar counter, staring in horror.

"That was for Frogg!" Red Menace roared.

Bertha clawed her way on top of the counter, glaring Daggers up at Red Menace. She quickly brushed the broken glass from her shoulders and leapt over the counter, broken beer bottle in hand. She let out a battle cry and bashed Red Menace over the head with the bottle.

Blood trickled from a gash on his forehead, but it didn't faze him at all. If anything, it only fueled Red Menace's rampage. He threw his fist forward, but Bertha shifted sideways, avoiding the blow. While his arm was still extended, she grabbed Red Menace and turned his own weight against him. He stumbled forward, landing with a heavy _**thud **_on his back.

"Stay down, boy!" Bertha warned, pointing a threatening finger. "You vouldn't last two minutes vith me _sober_!" She spat at his feet and turned for the exit.

Infuriated beyond all reasoning, Red Menace grabbed a bar stool and winged it at the back of her head.

Bertha cried out as the stool busted in two over her horned helmet. She turned, ready to strike back only to collide face first into an anvil sized fist of judgment.

Red Menace landed yet another right jab, south paw, and a third right jab before Bertha finally wised up and raised her left arm to block. With a mechanical whine, her robotic limb transformed into a shield, absorbing a devastating blow from Red Menace.

The henchman winced, whimpering as his knuckles crunched against the rock-solid shield. He backed away, shaking his injured hand. He could hardly believe it. That actually hurt! He could not let that faze him. His cohort needed avenging. He moved in on Bertha, ready for a second round.

"You just don't learn, do you, boy?" The giantess snickered and raised her right arm to unsheathe her sword, but her robotic arm sparked, sending a stinging surge of electricity throughout the upper half of her body. She screamed in agony, aborting her command. "My svord- It vill not draw!" She shook her arm violently in a desperate attempt to fix the malfunction, but to no avail.

Red Menace charged her, exhaling a battle cry of his own. He rammed her, putting all his weight into the impact. Lifting her right off the ground, he stampeded right out of the Hippodrom tent, ripping a hole through the side. Bertha was powerless to stop him as he drove her through all four stalls of the women's restroom shack. Red Menace left a pile of demolished lumber, shattered porcelain and four screaming women with their skirts down around their ankles in his wake.

Bertha gasped, winded as he slammed her against a dumpster. Panting heavily he backed down, allowing the giantess to fall to her knees. He quickly knelt forward and yanked her to her feet by her platinum braids. "I'm gonna pound you into the dirt unless you apologize." He growled, jerking her braids.

Bertha head butted him, freeing her head. "Apologize! For vhat? YOU sucker punched ME!"

Red Menace Head butted her back, knocking her on her ass. "The dumb blonde act won't work! We can do this the easy way, or the LOSE way." He cracked his knuckles. "Which is it, Scheissy?"

"That's **Valkyzon **to you, ape!" Bertha stood, pausing to crack her neck and regain her bearings. "Ve do the this the _Viking _way!" She reached behind her back and pulled out her trademark war hammer.

Dr. Frogg rolled over on his side, clutching his aching skull. He felt a thick lump on his temple and forced his eyes to open. "W-what happened?" he groaned, sitting upright. "Wh-where's Bertha?"

He looked about in confusion and horror. The bar and half the rest of the Hippodrom tent was in ruin. Everyone had fled the tent. He could see the polka band and all the dancers and bar hoppers standing around outside. The drunken men and even a few women chanted "Fight! Fight! Fight!"

"HOLY FUCK ON STILTS!" Dr. Frogg jumped to his feet and rushed to the exit. On his way he noticed a large tear in the tent with an awfully familiar shape. His goggled synthetic eyes widened with dread. "Oh no…PLEASE no…" He ran outside, pushing through the cheering crowd as quickly as his scrawny frame would allow him.

His thoughts of dread and alarm intensified as he passed the wreckage of the restroom shack. He quickened his pace until he spotted for himself the gruesome image that had appeared to him when he first awoke.

There, near the dumpsters, Bertha and Red Menace were in the middle of a duel to the death. Bertha (or Valkyzon as she previously dubbed herself) Swung her war hammer with a mighty overhand thrust.

Thinking quickly, Red Menace rolled out of the way, avoiding a crushing blow by an eighth of an inch. He attempted to kick Valkyzon's feet out of under her, but she maintained her footing and raised her war hammer for a second attack.

Red Menace jumped to his feet and caught the head of the hammer just as she swung it downward. Valkyzon stared in shock as Red Menace not only stopped her hammer in mid swing but crushed it to dust in his palms. "It's not honorable to strike at weaponless opponent." Red Menace scolded her.

"I'm un villainess!" She stated proudly. "I have no use for honor, but…" She threw the handle of her crushed war hammer aside. "I don't need veapons to take care of a drunken vhelp like you!"

Dr. Frogg stood a safe distance away, staring, frozen as his cohort and the personification of his teenaged wet dream exchanged punches. Both fought viciously, neither willing to relent. Red Menace; incapable of recognizing pain. Valkyzon; unwilling to accept defeat.

Red Menace received a round house kick to the face. In turn, Valkyzon received a jaw shattering uppercut. The fight raged on for what seemed like hours (in actuality it was maybe two minutes. The beauty of slow motion =D) until finally, the giantess miscalculated Red Menace's oncoming move and received a devastating blow to the stomach. Winded, she lurched forward, stumbling into Red Menace's lethal embrace. He wrapped his massive arms around her and squeezed with all his might.

Valkyzon wheezed, unable to suck in the slightest amount of air as Red Menace's arms locked tight around her. He smiled as the unmistakable _**crunch**_ of ribs collapsing struck his ear. "Say when." He taunted, tightening his submission hold further.

Valkyzon grimaced, face turning red beneath her helmet. She had no choice. Red Menace was the mightier. "…V-vhen…" she exhaled weakly.

Red Menace loosed his hold, then tightened it again. "Not quite, Scheissy. Come on… Using proper English pronunciations isn't _that_ hard. Say _when_!"

"Red, Enough!"

Red Menace cried out as a deep, gouging pain shot through his shoulder. He instantly dropped Valkyzon, clutching his scratched up and profusely bleeding shoulder. Growling, scowling he turned around, ready to clobber the poor bastard stupid enough to wound him, but his expression softened when he spotted Doktor Frogg standing before him with his "lethal" claw extended.

"Doktor Frogg? You're okay!" Overjoyed, Red Menace embraced Dr. Frogg in a big bear hug (unfortunately, he used the same amount of pressure on Dr. Frogg's bear hug as he did Valkyzon's submission hold). "Oh man! I thought that big Viking bitch put you in a coma!"

"I'm fine, Red! Put me down!" Dr. Frogg wheezed, gritting his teeth as his ribs began to crack.

Red Menace winced. He dropped the mad scientist. "Sorry."

Dr. Frogg scowled at him. "Don't apologize to _me_! What the hell were you doing back there? You could have really hurt Bertha!"

Red menace looked to his feet, fidgeting like a ten year old boy with his hand caught in the cookie jar. "Gee, Doktor Frogg. I-I was just-"

Without warning, Valkyzon sucker punched Red Menace in the jaw. "You know this asshole?" She asked Dr. Frogg, balling her other fist under his steel capped chin.

"Bertha, please!" Dr. Frogg held up his claws for a truce. "There's been some misunderst-"

Red Menace shoved Dr. Frogg aside and socked Valkyzon right in the temple.

"KNOCK IT OFF, BOTH OF YOU!" Dr. Frogg shrieked. He jumped between the two of them, desperately trying to push them apart. "Red Menace, back down! That's an **order**!"

Pouting, Red Menace begrudgingly stepped back. With Voltar gone, Dr. Frogg was the brains of LOSE and therefore was second in command. He couldn't disobey the mad scientist. "She started it." He mumbled under his breath.

Convinced Red Menace would no longer strike at her, Valkyzon backed away as well. "You started it!" She corrected the henchman. "He came out of novhere und started punching me in the face!"

Dr. Frogg turned to Red Menace. "What the hell is wrong with you, Red! You don't hit _girls_!"

"Not usually…but you guys always tell me chivalry is for heroes and queers. And she's a tough girl!" Red Menace argued in his defense.

"Bertha, I'm so SO sorry. My cohort here doesn't always think before he acts." Dr. Frogg sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose in disgust. "Red-"

"HEY!" Red Menace interrupted before Dr. Frogg could start lecturing him. "She knocked you out first, remember? I saw you on the ground with her standing over you balling her fist!"

Valkyzon cocked her head in confusion. Suddenly the puzzle pieces came together in her head and she started to laugh. "You though I-" She held her stomach to contain the laughter. "I didn't mean to knock out…Dr. Frogg, is it?"

Dr. Frogg nodded yes.

Valkyzon's breathing regulated. She looked to Red Menace. "He spilled his beer on my arm at the bar." She explained, holding up her mechanized limb. "The moisture shorted the circuits und caused un muscle spasm. I accidentally slapped him across the face. My gauntlets are made from an experimental alloy.- harder than titanium. It knocked him out cold. I vas trying to regain control of my arm vhen-" She frowned, concerned. "Are you all right, Dr. Frogg?"

He shook his head yes, tenderly rubbing the lump on his temple. "Nothing I can't walk off." He assured her, blushing.

"Aw gee, I feel like an ass." Red Menace extended his hand for a shake. "Sorry, Valkyzon. I should have asked questions before I went sick house on you, but evil henchmen have to avenge one another you know?" He smiled apologetically. "No hard feelings?"

She shrugged and took his hand. "I vouldn't be much of a villainess if I said no hard feelings, but I vill let it go for now." She eyed Red Menace intently. "You are not the biggest evil henchmen I've seen or the most intimidating for that matter. At first I mistook you for a self righteous hero, but anyone vho can hold their own in un one on one against me is a vorthy opponent und a most evil villain."

Red Menace smiled, blushing. "Thanks."

She turned to Dr. Frogg. "You" She pointed to him. "You must be familiar enough with black market robotics to repair my arm, ja? Perhaps ve can clean up your friend as vell?"

"Yes!" Dr. Frogg quickly agreed. He took her hand in his claws and immediately began to access the damage. "Repairing your arm is the least I can do. In fact, I could upgrade this model for a moisture resistant one to avoid any future alcohol abuse related misshapes. It will take me twenty, thirty minutes at the most."

"Very gut." Valkyzon nodded with approval. "You two follow me."

Red Menace paused, hesitant to follow. "Thanks, but no thanks. I'm okay, really."

Dr. Frogg elbowed him in the ribs. "Don't be rude, Red." He chuckled nervously, motioning for his cohort to follow. "Move!"

Red Menace sighed, caving in. "Okay, Okay, if it will make up for what I did…"

The three villains began to walk off when a familiar nasally voice cried out from the distance.

"Boss! Boss!" Guy shoved through the still curious and captivated festival crowd, waving his arms.

Justice Gene followed close behind him. "Miss Scheissengesicht!" He called out to her.

Valkyzon turned to them, exhaling an irritated sigh. She crossed her powerful mechanized arms across her chest. "Vhat is it boys? I'm taking care of something."

"Boss." Guy paused to catch his breath. "W-we heard the fight g-going on and-and we rushed over as soon as we-"

Justice Gene stomped right over to the LOSE henchmen. "You two! I should have known! Don't worry, Miss Scheissengesicht, I'll throw these two trouble makers out in a jiffy!"

Valkyzon reached for Justice Gene and yanked him aside. "That vill not be necessary. Return to your post! Both of you! **Schnell**!"

Guy and Justice Gene did as ordered and scurried off like roaches. Valkyzon turned to the festival goers who stared at her and the LOSE henchmen, eyes wide and jaws slacked. "Nothing to see here, people!" She shouted. "Forget this ever happened und go enjoy yourselves!"

Glossy eyed, simpering smiles instantly appeared on everyone's faces as if Valkyzon had simply waved a magic wand at them. They dispersed from the scene of the fight, chatting idly amongst themselves, not mentioning a single word about what happened between Valkyzon and Red Menace.

Dr. Frogg scratched his head in confusion. "You wiped their memories clean? Just like that?"

Valkyzon nodded. "Yes, Doktor. I vill explain later. Come with me, ja?"

"Ja!" Dr. Frogg and Red Menace replied in unison. They eagerly followed, driven by curiosity. Dr. Frogg's mind especially was overflowing with questions and ideas. He never dreamed in a million years the Scheissengesicht Valkyre was not only a living breathing woman, but a villainess as well. He might have just walked into the opportunity of a lifetime. Maybe even an opportunity to leave LOSE for good…

Voltar poked his head out from behind the Dumpster. He and Doomageddon watched as their fellow LOSE members tiptoed away from the Festival grounds.

Voltar crawled to the front of the dumpster and felt the deep dent Valkyzon left after Red Menace slammed her into it. "Damn…!" He gasped in awe. "Did you see that?"

Doomageddon nodded yes, snickering. He could hardly believe it himself.

"_Red_ did all that! And to think I ever doubted him." He paused, rubbing the chin of his helmet in thought. "Note to self: keep more beer in the lair. If that's what it takes to get Red Menace to finally start showing some evil initiative, so be it." He looked back and saw no sign of Red Menace or Doktor Frogg. "Sniff them out, boy." He ordered his hellhound. "Don't let them get to far. I want to keep tabs on Doktor Frogg."

Voltar yanked on his leash, but Doomageddon wouldn't budge. He pointed a scaly finger towards the delivery truck unloading lot.

"There will time for that later!" Voltar assured the hellhound. "Start tracking!"

Doomageddon saluted over-dramatically. He arched his back and dashed off, dragging a screaming Voltar behind him.

a/n: Woo, Red Menace went ape shit! Too fun to write XD. He did manage to do some damage in the Bad-O-Meter episode, so I figured this chapter wasn't too far fetched. Thanks for reading everybody. Hope you found this at least some what amusing. I'm terrible at writing action, so forgive me if this isn't a smooth read. More will be revealed next chapter. Again, thanks for reading. The reviews make me so happy! Later!


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8: Plans of Plunder

Valkyzon led Dr. Frogg and Red Menace past a chain-link fence towards the far end of the fair grounds. Above it hung a sign that read "Staff Entrance. Keep Out". Voltar and Doomageddon followed, making sure to keep a safe distance. Every so often Dr. Fog would glance back, only to find nothing unusual.

"Damn him." Voltar cursed the gadgeteer aloud behind a pretzel kiosk. Dr. Frogg was onto to them. "Stay low, Doomageddon." He instructed, motioning for the hellhound to go forth.

Once at the fence, Doomageddon dug a hole just deep enough for him and Voltar to slip under. They dove behind a bush, watching as Valkyzon opened the door to a seemingly normal, but slightly bigger than average, trailer. Dr. Frogg glanced over his shoulder one more time before entering. Valkyzon did the same. Convinced the coast was clear, she shut the door behind her.

"Move out!" Voltar ordered in a harsh whisper. After a series of clumsy rolls, army crawls and tip-toe maneuvers, Voltar made it to the front window (Doomageddon saved his energy and just walked over there). "Boost!" Voltar ordered, pointing up.

Doomageddon shook his head no. he had his dignity after all.

"Boost, you stupid mutt!"

Doomageddon rolled his eyes, growling. He decided to humor the mutant and levitated him instead. Voltar wobbled a bit. He gasped after glancing down and realizing two feet of air separated his feet from the ground. "You can do _that _too?"

Doomageddon smirked. "I am the lizard king. I can do anything"

"Ghhk!" Voltar looked away and assured himself he had heard nothing repeatedly in his head. "Shit!" Voltar spat. A black curtain blocked his view of the trailer interior. He would have to listen closely if he hoped to find out what his minions were up to.

"This looks like something out of Nimron the Dark One!" Red Menace exclaimed, admiring the painfully stressed Viking theme of the décor.

"Velcome to my lair on vheels. Make yourselves at home." Valkyzon motioned to the couch resembling a dragon-headed long ship.

The LOSE villains sat. Valkyzon ventured over to her liquor cabinet and poured some drinks. Dr. Frogg took the opportunity to look around. The interior of Valkyzon's lair was strikingly sinister in comparison to the exterior. It was dark, scarcely lit by candle light. The walls were made of rugged lumber. Festooned above the fireplace were an array of axes, morning stars, shields, hammers and other iconic Norse weapons. Her furniture was made from bones; most of them from what Dr. Frogg could tell were human. A dove, no, an albino crow sat perched in an iron cage hung from the ceiling. The rug as well as the glass of the coffee table was covered in bizarre Norse ruins.

"Vhat do you think?" Valkyzon inquired. "Just had the place redecorated."

"It's a little too…rustic for my personal taste." Dr Frogg admitted. "But it has a menacing aura to it.

"Thank you, Doktor." She set a skull-shaped beerstein filled to the top in front of Red Menace. "On the house." She set a second stein on the coffee table, an arms length away from Dr. Frogg. "None for you until the repairs are complete. Don't take offense."

"None taken." Dr. Frogg couldn't blame her. He wouldn't let anyone drink and tinker with his claws at the same time either. He didn't have the heart to tell her he was already half way tanked though.

Red Menace raised the stein to her. "Thanks!" He set the glass down and leaned back. He decided it was best not to drink with a bleeding forehead and shoulder. The couch was surprisingly cushy. He noticed a pack of cigarettes sitting on the edge of the coffee table. "You mind if I…?"

"All yours." Valkyzon handed him a cigarette then took one for herself.

Red Menace breathed a sigh of relief as she lit it for him.

"Red!" Dr. Frogg was shocked. He knew his cohort to be a complete health nut.

"I'm going to quit, I swear." Red Menace assured him, expression weighed down with guilt. "I'm still wound up from the fight." He explained.

Valkyzon offered her pack of cigarettes to Dr. Frogg. "Care for one, Doktor?"

"No thanks." The gadgeteer declined. "I quit about ten years ago."

"Gut for you. I have been indulging my habit too much lately." She set the cigarettes aside. "Enough pleasantries. Begin the repairs." She looked around. "I have the original blueprints for my arms around here somevhere."

"Don't bother searching for them. There's no need." Dr. Frogg assured the giantess "Your model is very simple. I could do the repairs blindfolded if I had to."

Valkyzon eyed the mad scientist skeptically. "You had better be right." She reached under the coffee table and pulled out a large tackle box. She plopped it in front of Doktor Frogg and opened the lid. "Is this enough to vork vith, Doktor?"

Dr. Frogg looked over the contents of the tackle box. A smirk formed on his face. "More than enough."

Now calmed by the nicotine fix, Red Menace watched as his cohort dissembled Valkyzon's right arm with the utmost delicacy. He took slow drags on his cigarette, making sure to exhale smoke away from Dr. Frogg's face, lest his goggles fogg up. No one could ever say he was a discourteous smoker.

It was a bit nauseating to look at Valkyzon's missing appendage, but Red Menace was unable to look away. Dr. Frogg however was unfazed by the severed arm, however, being an amputee himself. He stripped the protective casing of her gauntlet and detached the blade of her sword. Using an assortment of screwdrivers and ten or twelve other little tools Red Menace couldn't even begin to identify, Dr. Frogg recalibrated the steel cables that made up her muscles and tendons and the rods and hinges that made up her bones and joints. He crossed and uncrossed wires, replacing any little part that appeared warned down or rusted.

Every so often Valkyzon would twitch from an electric shock or the sting of screw being tightened "Vhere are you from, Doktor?" She asked with a pained grunt. She decided to strike up a conversation to keep her mind off the procedure.

"I was born in Munich." Dr. Frogg replied. "But I spent most of my childhood traveling back and forth from Sweden to the US."

"Vhat a coincidence. I vas born in Sveden, but spent most of my childhood in Munich. That's a company secret, so keep it to yourselves."

"Your secrets safe with us." He assured her as he rummaged through the tackle box. A moment later he pulled out a small strip of iron. Using the heat vision option on his goggles, he zapped the small iron bar then bent it to shape a ring. Valkyzon flinched, gritting her teeth as the mad scientists welded the red hot iron against the metal cap that separated her fleshy elbow to her steel forearm.

"I know it hurts. Try to hold still."

"Vhat did you just do?" Valkyzon hissed.

"Installed a magnet." He answered nonchalantly, continuing to reassemble the remaining parts of her gauntlet. "It will help steady the blood flow. May even reduce muscle spasms." He smiled, pleased with his own handiwork. "Think of it as a free upgrade."

Valkyzon frowned. "I am not paying you, Doktor." She reminded him coldly

"An added bonus then." Dr. Frogg quickly put the finishing touches on her limb "There." He wiped the sweat on his forehead, smearing oil across his face. "All set, Valkyzon."

"Nine minutes, forty seconds." Red Menace glanced at the clock, putting out his cigarette.

"Incredible!" The giantess stood, giving her fingers a test wiggle. "Motor skills are functioning at optimum efficiency." With a wave of her hand, her broadsword extended. It cut the dragon head of her couch clean off with one clean swing.

The LOSE villains ducked, avoiding a beheading.

Valkyzon retracted her sword, returning her hand to its normal state. "You are a skilled technician, Doktor." She commended him, extending her hand to him.

Dr. Frogg accepted and shook. "I learned from the best. My grandfather designed and constructed the first fully functional robot arm. His research was confiscated by the Nazi party in world war II I'm afraid. Fled to Sweden after the liberation of Arbeitsdorf and continued his research there. Took him years to recover half of what they took. I worked under an apprenticeship there with him after my folks died. Your arms resemble one of his earlier models." A mournful frown appeared on Dr. Frogg's face. "He was a brilliant man. Crazy, but who wouldn't be after what he suffered through?"

Valkyzon looked her arm over. "These are a Rotten Corps product. My father used to donate millions to the company vhen I vas a child. They must have bought your grandfather's blue prints from the German government."

"It's possible." Dr. Frogg shrugged. He wanted off the subject of his grandfather badly. "Are we even?"

"Not quite." Valkyzon handed the mad scientist a skull-shaped beerstein. She raised one of her own in a toast. "To villainy! May we keep our friends close und our enemies closer."

"Here here!" Dr. Frogg raised his stein. He eyed Red Menace sternly.

The henchmen stood, reluctantly raising his beerstein.

The three villains clanged their steins together and chugged.

Valkyzon was the first to finish and slammed her stein down against the coffee table. Dr. Frogg finished his seconds later.

Red Menace was the last to chug, not because he was light weight by any means. He simply wanted to savor the flavor. "What beer is this?" He asked wearing a satisfied smile.

"Scheissengesicht. Vhy?"

"Really? This taste much better than the Scheissies we were pounding down earlier."

Dr. Frogg sniffed his beerstein. "This did lack a certain aftertaste the other stuff had." He admitted.

Valkyzon smirked. "There is gut reason for that. Gentlemen, I must confess, I did not invite you to my mobile lair as a show of good vill or to get a free tune up. I'm looking for recruitments und you two seem to have potential. Especially you, Red Menace. I have never seen one man cause so much destruction, especially when facing off with me."

Red Menace blushed, shuffling his feet. "Aw, I just got lucky."

Dr. Frogg held in the urge to vomit. "What exactly are you recruiting for?"

Valkyzon sat and lit herself a cigarette. "Sit." She ordered.

The LOSE villains sat, eyeing her attentively.

Valkyzon took a smooth drag and exhaled. "I am dieing." She announced.

Red Menace gasped. "Dieing?"

"From the Acromegaly that has plagued me since infancy. My skeleton is growing exponentially. Surgery has stunted the growth some, but…has been unsuccessful." Valkyzon sighed. "Eventually I vill grow so large, my heart und organs vill shut down. I have four years to live at the most."

Dr. Frogg and Red Menace exchanged sad glances.

Valkyzon's expression hardened. "But before I die, I have one vish- one goal…"

The LOSE villains leaned forward, eyes open wide and ears clear.

"To raise an army of super villains und drunken slobs to plunder und destroy every major city on every continent on the planet!"

-cue menacing classical music-

The LOSE villains raised a brow to her. "What?" Dr. Frogg blurted out.

Valkyzon stood and pulled down a world map covered in red pins. One black pin covered Metrotown. "It has taken me years and a fortune sunk in research to spread my poison. I had to make a deal with the devil, funding the very engineers and chemists vho turned me into the mechanized monstrosity you see before you. The only person vho stood in my vay was my cock sucking father…" She turned to a wax bust of Ferdinand Scheissengesicht and exhaled a icy blue cloud. The bust was instantly coated with liquid nitrogen. She punched the bust right between the eyes, shattering it to pieces. "Und he vas easy enough to dispose of. My sacrifices has finally paid off in full! Behold!"

Valkyzon held up a small black device with a skull engraved on the surface.

"An idestruct? Oh yeah, Evil Stevens released those last year." Dr. Frogg recalled. "Nifty, but standard issue."

"This, idestruct is hardly standard, my gut Doktor. This is a personalized model with mind control und mood scrambling capabilities that exceed the idestruct by ten fold! This is the _iobey _und vith it I shall hypnotize every Scheissie drinker within a twenty mile radius into a blind, unstoppable rage! They vill ravage und plunder on my command, destroying anything and everything until Metrotown is nothing but rubble. Vhen there is no more to destroy, ve move on to the next city, hypnotize its inhabitants und start the chaos all over again, gathering brainwashed zombie minions as ve enter und leaving a trail of destruction in our vake. Ve repeat the process all over the globe until I die or a hero kills me."

"And you've brewed a chemical that amplifies the effects of the iobey even further?" Dr. Frogg inquired.

"Ja." Valkyzon nodded. "Vell, my team of chemists and biologists perfected the formula. My customers all over the globe has been ingesting the stuff for years. It sits inside them, soaking in the brain, ready to numb their drunken senses. You two have just drunk the antidote. Vhen I detonate the iobey, you vill be spared of its psychological hold."

Red Menace smiled. "That was nice of you."

"But why give us the antidote?Why not let us become your zombie minions like the other people here?"

"You vill be more useful to me vith your freevill intact." Valkyzon explained. "You see, vhen I die, I need someone as strong as me to command my armies und I need someone as smart as me to organize my scientists team und keep the iobey operating. Red Menace, you are the only villain I have ever met that matched me in strength und you, Doktor, you are the closest thing to an intellectual equal I've ever met."

Dr. Frogg smirked. "You flatter yourself, Bertha." He sneered in his head.

"I cannot trust any of my current minions. I need someone ambitious, but…unfamiliar enough vith my company to take over vhen I die. Consider my offer, boys. Your reward vill be money, power, mayhem- all a villain could dream of und more."

"No thanks, Valkyzon." Red Menace politely declined. "But Dr. Frogg and I are part of an evil organization already. You'll have to find some other villains."

Dr. Frogg placed a claw over the henchman's mouth. "Heh heh- He does not speak for the both of us, Valkyzon." He interjected. "My cohort and I will need to discuss this alone."

Valkyzon nodded. "Very vell. Discuss. I have festival business to attend to." She turned for the back door. "I'll be back to settle the terms. Be varned, boys. You can join me at my side, or on the battlefield. Either vay, Metrotown is dust." With that, she left, slamming the door behind her.

Voltar ducked beneath the trailor, pulling Doomageddon down with her. He shushed the hellhound and watched until Valkyzon's heavy footsteps faded away completely in the distance. Once the giantess was beyond the fence and completely out of site, they crawled out in the open once again.

"That conniving, two-timing bitch!" Voltar hissed, kicking a rock in anger. "Trying to sink her claws into my minions _and_ one up me in evil! Did you see how that pigeon Frogg ate that plundering horde bullshit up?" Voltar growled, pacing back and forth anxiously. His expression softened slightly. "It's a shame Bertha's on her death bed. She was almost as evil as me, but damn it, this is war! I'll teach that Norse whore not to mess with LOSE! Time for sabotage!" He tugged Doomageddon's leash. "Come on, boy! To the beer trucks!"

Doomageddon paused, unwilling to budge. He pressed his head against the ground, listening for the sound of sneaking footsteps. Doomageddon jumped to his feet and let out a yelp as he pointed to the shadows.

Voltar peeked around the corner of the trailer and spotted Justice Gene rushing off with clumps of foliage still stuck in his hair and camouflage makeup on his cheeks.

Voltar gasped. "Justice Gene must have been spying too! He's on a recon mission for Glory Guy! Weasely bastard is going to nark on Bertha!" He pointed dramatically. "Sick 'em, Doomie! No one can foil Bertha's evil plan, but me!"

Growling, Doomageddon sped off after Justice Gene, fangs exposed and scales on edge.

"Did you hear a dog barking?" Dr. Frogg asked, cringing.

Red Menace shook his head no. "I struck a dieing woman…" He said aloud, hanging his head in shame. "I'm going to Hell, Frogg."

Dr. Frogg gave him a reassuring pat on the back. "Red…there is no afterlife. You just rot in the ground, but even if there is one, you were going to Hell the second you turned to a life of villainy."

Red Menace sighed, running his fingers through his hair. "I guess. You aren't really going to join Valkyzon's plundering drunken army are you?"

Frogg let out an obnoxious "HA! Why not?" he asked. "She has a good plan."

"Good plan? It's a suicide mission!"

"For her, maybe. But until she kicks it to Valhalla, you and I will lay low under her thumb then take over for her and put the iobey to REALLY good use! Think of it, Red!"

"What about LOSE?"

"What about LOSE?" Dr. Frogg cried. "This is BIGGER than LOSE!"

"We swore allegiance to Voltar." Red Menace reminded him. "We swore to spread chaos and villainy to the streets of Metrotown under his command. Have you no integrity? No loyalty?"

"No." Dr. Frogg stated coldly. "I have NO loyalty to that incompetent little mutant and his frivolous schemes and you shouldn't either! This could be the opportunity of a lifetime and I WILL NOT let LOSE or anything else hold me back from it."

Red Menace scowled at him. "You just want to go along with this because you like her."

Dr. Frogg blushed. "No!" He insisted. "She's hot, I admit, but that's not what convinced me to take her offer. I'm a brilliant, but mad scientists wasting his talent in that dump of a lair back home! Her mad quest for world submission could be my golden key to world domination!"

"For someone so brilliant, you're being a real dummy. How do you know you can trust her? We just met and all of a sudden she's willing to hand us over her money and power? How do you know she isn't going to screw us over? How do you know this isn't a joke?"

"I…I just know." Dr. Frogg's expression hardened. "Go back to LOSE if you want to, Red. Squander your potential away serving Voltar. It's no skin off my semi-robotic ass! I don't need LOSE and I don't need you!"

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah!"

"Fine." Red Menace turned for the door in a huff. He slammed the door shut behind him. "Have fun selling out!" he cried from the window, voice cracking.

Dr. Frogg tried to flip him off, but he couldn't quite get the message across with his claws, so he stuck his tongue out instead.

Voltar waited for Doomageddon to return, arms crossed and foot tapping. A few minutes passed and Doomageddon returned without so much as a scrap of Justice Gene's short shorts in his jowls. "Well, did you do it? Did you stop him?"

Doomageddon winked at Voltar and pulled the bag of green mystery leaves from his tunic pocket. The bag was considerably less full than when Voltar had first discarded it.

Voltar slapped his forehead. "I told you to attack that pathetic wannabe hero and you give the guy some oregano? Stupid mutt." Voltar muttered, grabbing a hold of Doomageddon's leash and yanked. "Come on. Help me sabotage Frogg and Bertha if you can manage to screw that up too."

Voltar stomped off, pulling Doomageddon with him. Although irritated for having to suffer the indignity of being leashed, the hellhound couldn't help but snicker. This October Fest trip was turning out to be much more amusing than he first anticipated.

a/n: GASP! Is this the end of LOSE as we know it? Is Valkyzon really going to help Frogg achieve world domination? How does Voltar know Valkyzon and can he sabotage the iobey? Is this story getting so far fetched and predictable I have to resort to over exaggerating this author's note monologue? Hopefully not XD

Thanks to everyone who has read and enjoyed this fic so far. I went into vague detail about Dr. Frogg's past here. Just to clarify, he is not in love with Valkyzon. I'm not much of a romance writer and even if I was, I can't picture Doktor Frogg falling in love with Bertha. Not too many chapters left to go. Until next time. Rock on everybody!


End file.
